Posts Tagged ‘fumono’

I went back to the doctor today and got antibiotics. In addition to the (probable) mono, I have some other unknown plague type variety of illness. So I’m on antibiotics and an order to REST REST REST REST REST which I am having major issues with.

However, I’m actually being able to sleep for 20-30 minutes at a stretch during the day, so this is a start.

And I haven’t had caffeine in quite a few days. So, inadvertently giving it up.

However, this really bothers me.

One of the symptoms of mono is a swelled spleen. My entire midsection is tender (most of my body hurts, but especially my neck and my midsection). When I went to Target to get more bottled water and a thermometer, there was a rude woman – she goes to the same community college I do, I’ve seen her before – who decided it was okay to go on loudly (passive aggressively) about how I ‘smelled’ (to be fair, I smell like Eucalyptus Spearmint), and how “awful I looked” (no disagreement, my sky blue shirt, my valentine fleece pants, my grey hoodie over them.. terrible, terrible. But they were all clean.) and then, as I shuffled by, she decided to TRIP ME.

Cue me dropping everything I was carrying and cradling myself to fall on my back, not on my front, and certainly not on my side.

Because no one needs a burst spleen.

She laughed – not just giggled, laughed – and ran off in another aisle. I picked myself up and headed to the cash register.

I thought I hurt a lot before, but this is even worse. (and no, i didn’t feel anything sharp, just pain going from a dull roar to slightly less than a cooling lava flow).

There was no real call for her to do that. I feel honestly bad for her if her life is that sad that she resorts to physically harming people for her satisfaction. I hope she enjoyed it. I sure didn’t.

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who knew that even with mono i still have my stupid insomnia coming into play?

I get up usually 2-3x a day for bathroom breaks + food + getting water. I won’t get up to just do one thing. Last night when i was coming downstairs from eating, I almost passed out.

the nights get longer and worse for me. I hope tomorrow I can have more help, somehow. I feel like a freak in my own body.

I’ve been napping for 10-20 minute stretches. My cat Nicky keeps cuddling up to me – he knows I feel bad. I have a king size bed and half of it is covered in schoolbooks, pill bottles, I keep snacks within range – I have had no appetite since like Wednesday, but I find that sometimes I unconsciously munch on a cookie if it’s near, for example.

I sleep for a few hours a night, wake up in bone crushing pain, then manage to get back to sleep after crying into whatever stuffed animals I can reach.

all the clothes i wear are non scratchy and all the blankets are super soft. I’m hypersensitive to everything.

this is just me writing to get it out. Not complaining (okay, a little), but it’s more.. having it written, for posterity’s sake. I will hopefully have these days run in a row later on, in a haze. i can’t believe I’ve been on bedrest for 5 days now.

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I’m sick. I’m still accepting I’m sick. I’m having to accept I can’t run on all cylinders 15+ hours out of the day. In fact, I’ve had about 1 total hour since I’ve been awake that I’ve felt reasonably normal, and even then I’m maybe at 50% of firing. I feel like someone who is beaten down. I keep kicking myself internally because I can’t do these things. But it’s not my fault I got mono, and it’s not my fault I have zero energy to get things done. It’s a matter now of making sure I stay hydrated, eat enough to survive, and sleep when I feel like it, work on papers when I feel like it, and pray everything works out in a good manner. I’ve resigned myself that I might never get to work at my school again for my work study this year. I have not yet conceded my semester to this illness. I’m a fighter, down to my marrow of my bones.. and right now, I hurt.. to the marrow of my bones. It takes a lot for me to complain about being sick.

I hate feeling negative, so I’m trying not to. Both with not surrounding myself to it, and having it come from internally. So I’m dumping it all in this entry. *breathes*

Something I’ve noticed, especially lately, is the incredible and insane amount of negativity on Twitter.

I realize quite a few of the people I am thinking of are over 10 years younger than I am (or in that nebulous kind of range) and not only will probably not read this entry, but would feel it’s okay to mock it. I also notice that many of them are slyly insulting me, and my friends, behind my back, defollowing me on Twitter, etc. And that’s fine. If they feel the need to make themselves feel better, more power to them.

But they’re wrong in doing so. They are doing themselves damage. No – not because they’re ignoring me (me? that egocentric? nah), but because they’re ignoring my message.

10 years ago I’m not 100% sure I would have accepted what I (and Bill Hicks) are about to say, but I hope the aforementioned people decide to read it.

This much negativity towards: people you don’t like, things you don’t like, people you are jealous of, people you are trying to get attention from and cannot, situations where all you exude are negative feelings, thoughts, and emotions.. have you ever considered, for one minute, that the person on the other side of the internet is EXACTLY THAT? a PERSON? with their own sets of feelings, thoughts, and emotions.

Switch places. How do you feel now? Would you HONESTLY be able to cope with the adversity and all the negativity being tossed at you?

Chances are, I doubt it. But – again – I do not know, as I do not know a lot of these people and I will not project negativity at them. I will hypothesize and say no. I don’t pretend to know your life. I don’t think I ever could. However, that doesn’t exclude me wanting to find out more about you – as a human being, as a person, as (insert name here), so I can understand you – and it – better.

Something I’ve realized, since I was 18, is how crazy people get on the Internet. How insane people can take it offline. I didn’t grow up with the Internet like most of the world.. my first exposure was when I was.. 16? 17? Life is different now.

So, an anecdote. Here’s something I don’t talk about much: I used to have a stalker offline. She sent me death threats. She brought them to concerts where I was working. She put nails in my tires when I had a 3 hour drive home at 2 am so I might get run over when I got a flat (her words). (PS, this is pre-cell phone – in fact, i still carry around a prepaid phone card, not because I need it, but just because.)

Would you like to know why? Because I dared to not have sex with a band member of a band I worked with that she was OBSESSED with. More specifically, “You told him no, and you should die for that.”

I’ll let all that sink in a bit.

Now.. that’s pretty much one of my excessive examples. But any kind of passion taken to the extreme negative like that always gives me chills. it also gives me a damned good perspective: there is no reason – no reason – to be nasty with someone you have never, ever met.

People do not realize that their negativity means they will draw more and more of it to them. I didn’t understand this until this year, but I understand it in dividends right now. I have people keeping me sane right now, because they care enough to tell me “you’re being silly. quit being hard on yourself. you didn’t make yourself sick, but you can make yourself sicker unless you take control of yourself.

I hear you guys. I hear you. And I thank you for continually saying it to me. And I ask my friends to hold me up while I’m sick, because it’s really devastating to me. This is just this important to me, and needed to be said, and out of my head.

I promised a Bill Hicks quote, and he says in just a couple paragraphs what I’ve spent a ton of energy on and after this I’m going to go nap. (Emphasis mine)

“The world is like a ride in an amusement park, and when you choose to go on it you think it’s real because that’s how powerful our minds are. The ride goes up and down, around and around, it has thrills and chills, and it’s very brightly colored, and it’s very loud, and it’s fun for a while. Many people have been on the ride a long time, and they begin to wonder, “Hey, is this real, or is this just a ride?” And other people have remembered, and they come back to us and say, “Hey, don’t worry; don’t be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride.” And we … kill those people. “Shut him up! I’ve got a lot invested in this ride, shut him up! Look at my furrows of worry, look at my big bank account, and my family. This has to be real.” It’s just a ride. But we always kill the good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok … But it doesn’t matter, because it’s just a ride. And we can change it any time we want. It’s only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings of money. Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one. Here’s what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money we spend on weapons and defenses each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would pay for many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace.

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Usually, I am a buzzy bee from (relatively) when I wake up to when I’m just too damned tired to hold my eyes open at night.

The thing that has got me down with this mono is that I usually have this internal strength that I can call on, no matter what, to get things done.

I try to tap into that well, and it’s as dry as the Sahara.

For me, this is completely unfamiliar and very, very weird. I’ve dozed off probably 3-4 times since I started this entry.

It’s hard to go from being a spitfire with a drive and determination to get the job done to barely being able to finish a simple blog entry.

I still want to do things, but I’m just physically unable.

I don’t like it one bit.

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This is a weird day in my life. I was put on bedrest yesterday. As most people know, I’m NOT the kind of person to just sit around and do nothing. Fortunately I have tons of schoolwork I can / need to work on (hello, Chaucer paper due tomorrow), and of course I have my awesome laptop Miranda (yes, my electronics are all named.) NaBloPoMo is also going on, so that’s a good distraction.

However, the real reason this is weird? I’m not usually one to get sick. There’s a 50/50 shot right now that I have mono. Actually, that percentage was of 9 am yesterday and it’s definitely swinging in favor. I am not researching it, as people would accuse me of being a hypochondriac; I have a very close friend who suffered from it for some of his life, so he keeps talking to me whenever I have questions.

and the symptoms just keep stacking up. The magic 8 ball of Mono keeps going “signs point to yes”.

Fortunately I have some amazing friends that will help me through it… but I’m not a person who likes to ask for help. I’d rather be the helper than the helpee. It’s very difficult for my brain right now to realize that I SHOULD ask for help for things… like going to get more bottled water, which I’m keeping by my bed, so I don’t have to get up.

But… I am just slowly falling into this illness feeling, no matter how I fight it, because it saps my energy terribly. I think my biggest use of energy now is NOT falling behind in school. I don’t care if i can’t go to work, can’t leave my room.. but me falling behind in school after I’ve worked so hard and so long on things, I just can’t deal with.

Even if it’s going to completely sap my energy and all I can do is look at my homework and move my fingers and type it out, I’m not falling behind.

I have way too much willpower to let that not happen.

I also feel like I’m whining, like I’m being a burden, and that I should just suck it up and deal with it.

Maybe I am too hard on myself.

One of those questions I just can’t answer.

I just trust that my friends understand I really don’t mean to sound like a spoiled rotten sad brat.

I just.. honestly, truthfully, feel this crappy.

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