Posts Tagged ‘fumono’

My doctor called me today, and I got some interesting news.

Good news: My actual full blood check came back fine. I am not anemic, all my other levels look good.

Bad/good news: My mono test also came back negative.

Whatever I have isn’t standard mono.

I am on steroids now, and I will be for over 2 weeks total, trying to get my swelling down and help me feel better.

They give me more energy, but it’s fake and it drains me when I realize that when I am ready to tap into my reserve of energy I usually have, it still has not returned.

So, what do I have? I won’t know until Monday the 21st. And then I hope that my visit shows that it is something we know what it is, and can get it out of me, so I can be back to full strength. I am tired of not being at full strength, physically and mentally.

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Homework is always hard. It’s harder when you can’t remember half of your day, and most of what you read right after it.

My boyfriend decided to stay through the entire week to help me out with homework and with life. I’ve always been so independent and it is very difficult for me to admit when I need help.

So even though I am sick, and I am able to go outside, I am still not 100%. I am weak, with moments of even more weakness.

Having someone to watch over me, to help me through things when I can no longer get them through my brain, when I can no longer function on my own… this is an amazing feeling, and it is one that helps show, truly, how someone is in their life.

You can have a long distance relationship, you can talk about hopes and dreams… you can make them happen, but it’s times like this – when someone takes time out of their life, to show you how much you mean to them…

It’s not what you think.

It’s even a greater feeling.

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One of the joys of college – College Health – basic medical visits that are included in a semester fee.

One of the ‘joys’ of not having medical insurance – going to a hospital, filling out forms, and not wanting to know exactly how much my blood draw and tests will cost.

At least needles do not bother me in the slightest.

And I found out I had only lost about 4 lbs.. not 10. So I have been doing some things right.

Am also on steroids, and I do not like them at all. Fake energy is no fun. At least my swellings have gone down a bit.

It feels weird not being able to do things. Not having the energy where I usually had it. I am just… perplexed, really, is the best word for it. I cannot comprehend it, my mind cannot wrap around it.

And.. I miss going to class, and I can’t wait to get back. (I’m WEIRD).

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My boyfriend came up for the weekend and decided to stay with me for the week. His job is wonderful in letting him do this (while he is basically telecommuting). With his help, I am hoping to get through enough schoolwork this week to not have to take incompletes in any/many classes.

It is so hard for me to concentrate on much at all. I really don’t have a lot of energy. It is nice to be able to go out, though. I don’t trust myself to drive, so once a day I have been going on little excursions, with help to and from the car. I feel like a semi-invalid.

For a fairly independent person, having to rely on someone else is a rather new experience.

And I have less and less energy, and I sleep more now. So maybe this damned virus will run its course.

In the meantime, I have someone here to help me through it.

And to get me out into the sunlight once or more a day.

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Well, I have called myself a geek for years. Because I’m pretty sure I am one, in at least the standard, if not the deviant, form of the word.

However, there’s been one giant page in my geek handbook that has never been stamped.


That’s right. Never seen em. Any of em. Saw most of the original once and was so confused I said “Fuck it, until someone explains it to me, I’m not going to bother trying to figure it out.”

Many people have said “oh, we’ll watch it, I’ll explain it.”

Well, I FINALLY WATCHED IT. My (amazing) boyfriend is here taking care of me right now and decided that it is a perfect time for us to start watching.

And the other movies are stacked up right here too.

I guess I can knock that page out in my book.

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Antibiotics are working. I do not have all the symptoms that I have been suffering from (most of my cold/cough/congestion is gone, unless I lie down).

However, it means that my mono has come out in full force. I ache all over, I have severe cramps in muscles, my headache is almost like a migraine by the end of the day. I can be sitting here and before I know it a couple hours have passed. I force myself to eat 2 meals a day and even then I am not hungry at all. For me, to take a bath is about the most exhausting thing I can do.

My homework is still sitting here. I have kept up on reading, but I am finding I don’t retain it. This is scary for me. I can’t tell you about at least half of the past week since I’ve been at home. I space out more than normal. I wish I could sleep more.

Anything that is rough material physically hurts me. My comforter is of flannel material, and I have a Linus approved fleece security blanket. I have other blankets around me, and those are mostly fleece/super soft. I’ve found out a lot of my tshirts are too painful to wear, and fuzzy pants are the awesomest thing ever. My cat tries to walk on me and I bust out crying because he weighs too much. (Fortunately, I can pet him and he is very happy.)

Laundry piles up. Recyclable bottles pile up. I feel terrible because I can’t physically do anything without the world spinning, turning white, and causing immense pain.

Thankfully I can watch movies (some even for homework) and a lot of footy.

I’m going to get worse before I get better. I’ve felt worse with every passing day. Never doubt that I’ll end up fine on the other side, however.

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I feel terrible today. Just the facts. Antibiotics are kicking up a fever, and today’s the first day I can actually tell I’ve lost weight. By that I mean I’ve lost 8 lbs in the past 6 days. I do not like being sick.

So instead I’ll post my homework schedule. It’s more for my ease… and to talk anyone out of ever taking multiple lit courses in the same semester. Or to reveal how much of a masochist I am.

AL: Test due 14th November. Paper due 16th November (topic: Emerson or Whitman?). Keep up with reading.

BL: Paper due. Exam due 14th November. Essay 2 due 2 December 3pm (Chaucer, Franklin’s Tale). Final 5 December 1030am. Honors Project due 5 December 3 pm (Gawain meets Alisoun). Crapton of reading.

Film History of WWII: Finish Sahara writeup. Do A Walk In The Sun writeup. Do The Best Years of Our Lives writeup. Film Project (Swing Kids, Grave of the Fireflies, Hitler’s Children) due 21 November. 5 film reviews due before final. Exam 5 Dec 1pm.

Music App: Chapter work every week. Final due 8 December (3 part, 30 minutes per section, 11-12 questions a chapter, 3-4 chapters a section)


so yes.. there’s a reason football blogging has taken a back seat. Sorry footy friends.

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I went back to the doctor today and got antibiotics. In addition to the (probable) mono, I have some other unknown plague type variety of illness. So I’m on antibiotics and an order to REST REST REST REST REST which I am having major issues with.

However, I’m actually being able to sleep for 20-30 minutes at a stretch during the day, so this is a start.

And I haven’t had caffeine in quite a few days. So, inadvertently giving it up.

However, this really bothers me.

One of the symptoms of mono is a swelled spleen. My entire midsection is tender (most of my body hurts, but especially my neck and my midsection). When I went to Target to get more bottled water and a thermometer, there was a rude woman – she goes to the same community college I do, I’ve seen her before – who decided it was okay to go on loudly (passive aggressively) about how I ‘smelled’ (to be fair, I smell like Eucalyptus Spearmint), and how “awful I looked” (no disagreement, my sky blue shirt, my valentine fleece pants, my grey hoodie over them.. terrible, terrible. But they were all clean.) and then, as I shuffled by, she decided to TRIP ME.

Cue me dropping everything I was carrying and cradling myself to fall on my back, not on my front, and certainly not on my side.

Because no one needs a burst spleen.

She laughed – not just giggled, laughed – and ran off in another aisle. I picked myself up and headed to the cash register.

I thought I hurt a lot before, but this is even worse. (and no, i didn’t feel anything sharp, just pain going from a dull roar to slightly less than a cooling lava flow).

There was no real call for her to do that. I feel honestly bad for her if her life is that sad that she resorts to physically harming people for her satisfaction. I hope she enjoyed it. I sure didn’t.

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who knew that even with mono i still have my stupid insomnia coming into play?

I get up usually 2-3x a day for bathroom breaks + food + getting water. I won’t get up to just do one thing. Last night when i was coming downstairs from eating, I almost passed out.

the nights get longer and worse for me. I hope tomorrow I can have more help, somehow. I feel like a freak in my own body.

I’ve been napping for 10-20 minute stretches. My cat Nicky keeps cuddling up to me – he knows I feel bad. I have a king size bed and half of it is covered in schoolbooks, pill bottles, I keep snacks within range – I have had no appetite since like Wednesday, but I find that sometimes I unconsciously munch on a cookie if it’s near, for example.

I sleep for a few hours a night, wake up in bone crushing pain, then manage to get back to sleep after crying into whatever stuffed animals I can reach.

all the clothes i wear are non scratchy and all the blankets are super soft. I’m hypersensitive to everything.

this is just me writing to get it out. Not complaining (okay, a little), but it’s more.. having it written, for posterity’s sake. I will hopefully have these days run in a row later on, in a haze. i can’t believe I’ve been on bedrest for 5 days now.

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I’m sick. I’m still accepting I’m sick. I’m having to accept I can’t run on all cylinders 15+ hours out of the day. In fact, I’ve had about 1 total hour since I’ve been awake that I’ve felt reasonably normal, and even then I’m maybe at 50% of firing. I feel like someone who is beaten down. I keep kicking myself internally because I can’t do these things. But it’s not my fault I got mono, and it’s not my fault I have zero energy to get things done. It’s a matter now of making sure I stay hydrated, eat enough to survive, and sleep when I feel like it, work on papers when I feel like it, and pray everything works out in a good manner. I’ve resigned myself that I might never get to work at my school again for my work study this year. I have not yet conceded my semester to this illness. I’m a fighter, down to my marrow of my bones.. and right now, I hurt.. to the marrow of my bones. It takes a lot for me to complain about being sick.

I hate feeling negative, so I’m trying not to. Both with not surrounding myself to it, and having it come from internally. So I’m dumping it all in this entry. *breathes*

Something I’ve noticed, especially lately, is the incredible and insane amount of negativity on Twitter.

I realize quite a few of the people I am thinking of are over 10 years younger than I am (or in that nebulous kind of range) and not only will probably not read this entry, but would feel it’s okay to mock it. I also notice that many of them are slyly insulting me, and my friends, behind my back, defollowing me on Twitter, etc. And that’s fine. If they feel the need to make themselves feel better, more power to them.

But they’re wrong in doing so. They are doing themselves damage. No – not because they’re ignoring me (me? that egocentric? nah), but because they’re ignoring my message.

10 years ago I’m not 100% sure I would have accepted what I (and Bill Hicks) are about to say, but I hope the aforementioned people decide to read it.

This much negativity towards: people you don’t like, things you don’t like, people you are jealous of, people you are trying to get attention from and cannot, situations where all you exude are negative feelings, thoughts, and emotions.. have you ever considered, for one minute, that the person on the other side of the internet is EXACTLY THAT? a PERSON? with their own sets of feelings, thoughts, and emotions.

Switch places. How do you feel now? Would you HONESTLY be able to cope with the adversity and all the negativity being tossed at you?

Chances are, I doubt it. But – again – I do not know, as I do not know a lot of these people and I will not project negativity at them. I will hypothesize and say no. I don’t pretend to know your life. I don’t think I ever could. However, that doesn’t exclude me wanting to find out more about you – as a human being, as a person, as (insert name here), so I can understand you – and it – better.

Something I’ve realized, since I was 18, is how crazy people get on the Internet. How insane people can take it offline. I didn’t grow up with the Internet like most of the world.. my first exposure was when I was.. 16? 17? Life is different now.

So, an anecdote. Here’s something I don’t talk about much: I used to have a stalker offline. She sent me death threats. She brought them to concerts where I was working. She put nails in my tires when I had a 3 hour drive home at 2 am so I might get run over when I got a flat (her words). (PS, this is pre-cell phone – in fact, i still carry around a prepaid phone card, not because I need it, but just because.)

Would you like to know why? Because I dared to not have sex with a band member of a band I worked with that she was OBSESSED with. More specifically, “You told him no, and you should die for that.”

I’ll let all that sink in a bit.

Now.. that’s pretty much one of my excessive examples. But any kind of passion taken to the extreme negative like that always gives me chills. it also gives me a damned good perspective: there is no reason – no reason – to be nasty with someone you have never, ever met.

People do not realize that their negativity means they will draw more and more of it to them. I didn’t understand this until this year, but I understand it in dividends right now. I have people keeping me sane right now, because they care enough to tell me “you’re being silly. quit being hard on yourself. you didn’t make yourself sick, but you can make yourself sicker unless you take control of yourself.

I hear you guys. I hear you. And I thank you for continually saying it to me. And I ask my friends to hold me up while I’m sick, because it’s really devastating to me. This is just this important to me, and needed to be said, and out of my head.

I promised a Bill Hicks quote, and he says in just a couple paragraphs what I’ve spent a ton of energy on and after this I’m going to go nap. (Emphasis mine)

“The world is like a ride in an amusement park, and when you choose to go on it you think it’s real because that’s how powerful our minds are. The ride goes up and down, around and around, it has thrills and chills, and it’s very brightly colored, and it’s very loud, and it’s fun for a while. Many people have been on the ride a long time, and they begin to wonder, “Hey, is this real, or is this just a ride?” And other people have remembered, and they come back to us and say, “Hey, don’t worry; don’t be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride.” And we … kill those people. “Shut him up! I’ve got a lot invested in this ride, shut him up! Look at my furrows of worry, look at my big bank account, and my family. This has to be real.” It’s just a ride. But we always kill the good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok … But it doesn’t matter, because it’s just a ride. And we can change it any time we want. It’s only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings of money. Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one. Here’s what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money we spend on weapons and defenses each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would pay for many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace.

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