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I started this story 2 days before my birthday – two days before your memorial service.

And we even made it in the Tribune, which still seems weird to me.

I think, ultimately, Kerouac said it best:

“I hope it is true that a man can die and yet not only live in others but give them life, and not only life, but that great consciousness of life.”

You definitely do that for me, Joe. You definitely do that for me.

I’m finishing it today – your birthday. It hit me really hard at work today. I realized it was your birthday and I picked up my phone to call you.

And I realized that I couldn’t do that anymore.

And for the first time in a very long time, I had to run out of my work space and hide in the bathroom and start crying. And I didn’t want to stop crying. But I did – in what you would say was “record time, for you” – and finished my day. And I don’t expect that it will be an uncommon occurrence over the next few days.

At lunch, two of my new friends came with me, and we all sat, had a beer, discussed D&D, poetry, and random things, and split food. And listened to you all the way to and from the restaurant. And I listened to you play a lot today, Joe. I had to. I probably will in the next few days. I still listen every week – it’s pretty much a habit, by now, an unconscious thought, a thing I do to complete every week I have.

I did on my birthday, too. I was driving to Dallas, and I put the first CD I ever got from you guys – hell, remember? You got me in the show and I promised to buy a CD, and I did. And that’s the CD I was listening to.

I still can’t believe that you’ve been gone this long. I feel bad I didn’t write this in time for your book.

You brought my life so much, and I don’t know that I told you enough.

If there’s one thing, just one thing, that I can do, in memory of you, it’s to make sure I treasure every moment – friends, family, work (oh man, you should see our Nerf fights) – and I do my best with what I can.

But I still remember seeing you, through the window of the coffee shop, reading a poetry book, and I said “I have to go in and talk to him, because he obviously likes poetry and has good taste.”

And I’ve never regretted it. You knew the shy me, the one a lot of people didn’t. And I remember everything… mostly everything. Including the stuff I’ll never tell anyone.

One day we’ll all laugh about this, together, again. I have faith. I have hope.

“And peruse manifold objects, no two alike, and every one good;
The earth good, and the stars good, and their adjuncts all good.”

Say hi to Walt for me, Joe. Ask him all the questions that we always wondered. Even if you can’t tell, at least you’ll know. And we can all fill it in someday.

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NaBloPoMo: why am I doing it when I have 11+ papers due before the end of the year? I keep doing it every year – or try to – and it’s something that maybe will help me in not getting writer’s block again (which I had for most of October).

First things first: I didn’t make it into UT-Austin. Which just saves me a semester of out of state tuition. And I know now, so I can start looking for a job (as I’m planning to move sometime in the nebulous area of after December 8). I didn’t make it, and so I just need to spend the $100 or so and apply again next semester. It also means I can start looking for a full time job now.

Positive? I don’t have to pay out of state tuition. And there’s always next semester.

~

Yesterday was my favorite holiday of the year. And I loved it. We ran a Trunk or Treat with proceeds going to the local County Food Bank. My car was filled with cans and we also had a lot of monetary donations.

However, I kept feeling worse and worse throughout the day, and today I woke up with no voice, with terrible horrible breathing issues, and an overall feeling of “yep, I’m sick”. So I didn’t go into work and I am going to try to get some things accomplished here today. I really want to clean but I have no energy to do so. Most of my energy is spent on breathing right now. So I will hopefully work on my research paper due Friday between naps.

Something I cannot understand is that some people last night got irate that we charged admission for our Trunk or Treat. Hello. It’s a can of food to benefit people that have none, or a dollar per costumed child – also to help those that have no food. Our press release said it, the advertising said it. (if the paper changed our press release, we have no control over that).

If you can’t afford that, then why does your child have a new costume, why do you have a nicer car than mine, etc? I could list a litany of things, but I’ll just sum it up like this:

If you really have such a hard life that you felt calling a 31 year old dressed as Luna Lovegood with no voice, obviously not feeling well, a “dumb slut” over being asked to donate $1 for someone else so they can have food when they might not have it otherwise, I really hope your life becomes better and you are never in a predicament like many people are.

Also: People that try to sneak around the admission line, roadblocks, etc and just go in and grab candy? Same applies. There’s no reason you can’t spend $1 or go buy a can of soup, Spagetti-Os, etc, and go in and collect your candy and go on your merry way. If you don’t want to? That’s not my problem. Go trick or treat in neighborhoods then. If you don’t agree with what we were doing, you can go somewhere else. Being rude to us and threatening to sue for “false advertisement” will only make me get out my wand and say “Reality Comeonus!”

We did a great thing last night and many people will be able to eat because of what we did. That’s what’s important. Not the negativity.

If people are looking for a good thing to do this year, call your local food bank and ask what they need. Instead of going out and eating a meal with the family, go to the grocery store and spend that $20-30 on food and drop it off at the food bank instead.

If people are going to start harping on it being Christmas season already, let’s extend the season of giving to other people instead of “this is what I want for x holiday” or “oh my god this is on sale for 4% off the price, I MUST BUY IT FOR EVERYONE”.

the more you give, the more you get. This is true of so much.

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I ran around central Kansas with my boyfriend in 107F (41.7C) temperatures doing my Month at the Museum filming. All weekend. Something like 400 miles on my car after all the driving around we did. My air conditioner heroically tried to work. Didn’t too much.

How he puts up with a cranky, doesn’t want to be on camera, thinks she looks stupid, hey it’s 1 in the morning and we’re still writing script for the closing, but I ended up nailing it, kind of person like me?

I have massive stage fright, a stutter, and a rather large avoidance to hear my voice on a camera.

And yet, he continued to make me push my limits and rise above them. Which, in reality, is what MATM is all about for me. It’s proving I can do something that I might psych myself or talk myself out of otherwise, if I didn’t have friends believing in me and helping me succeed.

I could not have gotten this far this year without his help. My video is light years beyond what I thought it would originally be.

Thank you, my dear. ❤

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It’s no secret that I love museums. It’s also no secret that I would love to work in a museum for a job.

And then there are the awesome contests that allow you to enter to live in one of the biggest museums for a month with an all access pass.

That is what the Museum of Science and Industry has done in their Month at the Museum contest.

I may have written about this before.

Once or twice.

And this year? They’re doing it again. And I have much better ideas, and already started filling out my application.

Look out MSI, I’m coming for you again. And this time? This time I’ll be better.

Also, if I happen to be lucky enough to be picked? I’m taking the $10k and attending a poetry workshop in Lisbon next year I really want to go to.

It could happen. And it won’t happen unless I try.

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If all goes to plan, this will go to post as I am waiting in the airport waiting to go to Chicago.

I get to see my friend Jen, who I don’t think I’ve seen in at least 9 years. I get to meet my friend Sarah who I have known for several. I HOPEFULLY will get to meet my friend Drew, his wife, and newborn daughter after… years and years, we’ve known each other via Dave Matthews and Warehouse.

Wednesday night I get to go embarrass myself while playing Rock Band at Jen’s work.

I get to go to Gameworks for my birthday night. (any friends reading this in or near Chicago, drop me a line! You’re invited!) Yes, I turn 31 on May 19. Send me birthday wishes? =D Yes, I’m odd about it. I’m weird. I approach birthdays with both dread and happiness. One year closer to the unknown, but one year more I have lived.

Friday, Saturday, and Sunday are Anime Central/Acen. Friday Jen and I are cosplaying Femme!Ten for her and “Tooth and Claw” Rose for me. Saturday I am playing Miwako from Paradise Kiss and she is cosplaying Howl from Howl’s Moving Castle. I also am on the Final Fantasy MMORPG panel from 7-9 in Salon 1. Come. I’ll pelt gum at you. I will also most definitely be attending the Yoshiki Q&A, I am not a fan of every crazy Japanese band out there, but I really admire and respect Yoshiki and in a bit of a fangirl moment, yay he follows me on Twitter too! Sunday I am cosplaying Luna Lovegood and Jen is portraying her Gryffindor side.

Monday and Tuesday will be spent roaming around the Museum of Science and Industry, which I am unbeLIEVABLY incredibly insanely psyched about, and if all goes well, Tuesday night I will finally be seeing the Cubs and fulfilling a promise I made as a 9 year old to a man who made me learn all about, and love, the Cubs for life. If we do get to go, Elmore, you’re right there with us, and I promise I will try to catch a ball if it comes my way, just like I said I would!

Then I come home Wednesday, unpack, and start cleaning my room that’s been a disaster after school, moving things around, and starting to list things on eBay and look for a job, not to mention working on my taking over the world plan with Annette the Awesome (this is her official title now, even though she doesn’t know it), and hopefully getting my plans for LA taken care of. Not to mention writing my article for Massively about my Gods and Heroes trip, as well as writing more stories for Aerys Sports Soccer 😀

It’s a good thing I love writing, because I have an awful lot of it to do.

In other things, I’ve managed to pare my girly type items (makeup, nail polish) down to over half gone of what I had a year ago, and I have a lot to sell. I need to sell quite a bit (or trade for things that I will use), it’s the same with bath and body stuff… after going on a no buy on January 1, aside from things I have been 100% out of, I have not bought anything new, and found that my drawer and shelf space is increasing at a fairly good clip! It makes me happy. It makes me sad when I need to buy something!

I have lots of blog posts to make… still some NAB reviews…. still all about my trip to Austin.. so many other things. But right now, I keep on keeping on. School went well. I didn’t flunk anything. I improved most of my classes. In July I get my packet to get my work study, so I will have at least one job throughout next semester. I have no idea what comes in 6 months, and while it’s somewhat terrifying, right now, my brain just says “enjoy what you have now. The rest will come”.

So I am… and I’m leaving on a jet plane. Be back in a week!

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I quite optimistically think that I will survive the next couple weeks. I have roughly 13 assignments due by the 12th (7 of which are papers). On the 11th, I leave for Austin. This means all my schoolwork needs to actually be done by the 10th, so I have a few hours to pack.

I leave the 11th, back the 13th. Then I get to write my article (making myself write it then so it’s still fresh on my mind), and on top of it, get all my stuff ready for Anime Central and my Chicago trip. Then I go to Chicago the 18-25th, come home, and hopefully head to California very shortly after that.

At least I can say my life isn’t boring….

On top of all that, I need to list things on eBay as I now have no income. (woo hoo, unemployment finally ran out. Note my sarcasm. Heavy, heavy, sarcasm.)

Sigh. Writing this out right now helps me think things through. Sometimes it takes me a bit to process them other than having a panic attack.

Now for the optimism part: On a good note in there, my birthday is on the 19th! 😀 (I’m not the type to beg for presents, but if you’re really wondering what I like, I have several amazon lists, but they’re all tied into my main one Here! So hey, if you’re so inclined, the option’s there.

Speaking of writing articles, I recently found a new writing gig. I’m writing for Aerys Sports Soccer as their Portuguese soccer writer. It’s really a great site and I can’t wait to see where we go with it. My first piece went up over the weekend, discussing how Portugal (and Iberian) is slowly coming into its well deserved glory (again, as it were). You can read the piece here. And yes, I know there’s a couple grammatical errors in it. I was very nervous writing it and they slipped past me. Very uncharacteristic of me!

Oh well.

I suppose I should dive into rewriting this essay and tackling my list from the first due date on.

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Since it’s official now, I can “officially” state that I am now part of a panel at Anime Central/ACEN 2011! I’m so excited, though, really. The main person that runs it is someone I used to do things with on Seraph, when I was there (Catwho), and I haven’t yet met the FF14 panelist. I’m glad we got accepted because I think there will be some really fun things to talk about.

Right! details. The panel I am on is called the “Final Fantasy MMORPG Panel” and is tentatively held at 6pm-8pm on Saturday in Salon II.

Which apparently seats 400 people.

Have I mentioned my horrendous stutter and my quite possible stage fright?

… Yeah! WOO PANELIST.

Remember about those things that I talk about called challenging yourself all the time? This one oughta be a blast.

However, that means I need to start making more time than I have lately to play FFXI! 😀 Somewhat sarcastic.. somewhat not.

Also, I’ll be dressed as Miwako from Paradise Kiss! 😀

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