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Posts Tagged ‘bill hicks’

(this was originally a Facebook post, but it evolved.)

I kept wanting to make some clear concise statement of how my emotions have been over the past two weeks, and how everything both personally and in the world are changing. There is a lot of pain I feel, intermittently, but I really have two choices in life right now: Take all my experience, my joy, my grief, my sorrow, my luck, my lack thereof, the positives I feel, the negatives I feel, the wonderful and amazing friends I have in my life, and just try to finally live the life I’ve wanted to for a while…. or wallow in self pity, doubt, boredom, and not be the person I know I can be. I’m in a place and a time that is wide open for me. I have one – really, just one – goal right now, and that is to stay here in Austin. And I know that I can do it. I know I can’t do it alone – so thank you. Each and every one of you who gives me a note on Facebook, a tweet, a message, a text. It’s very difficult for me to admit that my life is better when I’m not shut up by myself somewhere. I have some amazing friends now that I wouldn’t trade for a thousand years. I don’t want to leave you. I don’t want to leave here.

For the record – no. I don’t hate him. (I feel) we actually get along very well. For those who keep asking why I’m not mad – you know, I can’t answer that easily. There isn’t an easy answer to what I feel inside. Sometimes my stomach churns, sometimes I just excuse myself to the other room and cry for a while, sometimes I don’t even realize I’m crying as I’m sitting here. There’s a lot of emotion wrapped up in all of it, and I am just letting it all wash over and through me. I absorb it, I be with it, and it either moves on or retreats, then revisits, until it’s used up.

What I can tell you is that me getting mad would not change the situation and would make it worse. Trying to make the best of the wonderful friendship we do have is not only the best option, but the true way to “live life out loud”, which is something we’ve both talked about believing. Not all couples that break up have to have it go nastily, with bad energy, words, and badmouthing. I’m very lucky that we met at all, I’m so thankful for the time we’ve had together as a couple, all our experiences, memories, and joy.

And then with all that is happening in the world over the same time frame.. and I posted this quote below, but I’m posting it again, because it’s really how I feel about things.

We all have active choices. People claim to be bored, they have no control over their life – everyone does. You just have to have it within you to take that control. As much or as little as you want – it’s up to you. Don’t blame others for those things – take it upon yourself. It’s actually more freeing than you realize – and very scary.

But if I’ve learned anything, scary is oftentimes worth it.

“Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one. Here’s what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money we spend on weapons and defenses each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would pay for many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace.” – Bill Hicks

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I’m sick. I’m still accepting I’m sick. I’m having to accept I can’t run on all cylinders 15+ hours out of the day. In fact, I’ve had about 1 total hour since I’ve been awake that I’ve felt reasonably normal, and even then I’m maybe at 50% of firing. I feel like someone who is beaten down. I keep kicking myself internally because I can’t do these things. But it’s not my fault I got mono, and it’s not my fault I have zero energy to get things done. It’s a matter now of making sure I stay hydrated, eat enough to survive, and sleep when I feel like it, work on papers when I feel like it, and pray everything works out in a good manner. I’ve resigned myself that I might never get to work at my school again for my work study this year. I have not yet conceded my semester to this illness. I’m a fighter, down to my marrow of my bones.. and right now, I hurt.. to the marrow of my bones. It takes a lot for me to complain about being sick.

I hate feeling negative, so I’m trying not to. Both with not surrounding myself to it, and having it come from internally. So I’m dumping it all in this entry. *breathes*

Something I’ve noticed, especially lately, is the incredible and insane amount of negativity on Twitter.

I realize quite a few of the people I am thinking of are over 10 years younger than I am (or in that nebulous kind of range) and not only will probably not read this entry, but would feel it’s okay to mock it. I also notice that many of them are slyly insulting me, and my friends, behind my back, defollowing me on Twitter, etc. And that’s fine. If they feel the need to make themselves feel better, more power to them.

But they’re wrong in doing so. They are doing themselves damage. No – not because they’re ignoring me (me? that egocentric? nah), but because they’re ignoring my message.

10 years ago I’m not 100% sure I would have accepted what I (and Bill Hicks) are about to say, but I hope the aforementioned people decide to read it.

This much negativity towards: people you don’t like, things you don’t like, people you are jealous of, people you are trying to get attention from and cannot, situations where all you exude are negative feelings, thoughts, and emotions.. have you ever considered, for one minute, that the person on the other side of the internet is EXACTLY THAT? a PERSON? with their own sets of feelings, thoughts, and emotions.

Switch places. How do you feel now? Would you HONESTLY be able to cope with the adversity and all the negativity being tossed at you?

Chances are, I doubt it. But – again – I do not know, as I do not know a lot of these people and I will not project negativity at them. I will hypothesize and say no. I don’t pretend to know your life. I don’t think I ever could. However, that doesn’t exclude me wanting to find out more about you – as a human being, as a person, as (insert name here), so I can understand you – and it – better.

Something I’ve realized, since I was 18, is how crazy people get on the Internet. How insane people can take it offline. I didn’t grow up with the Internet like most of the world.. my first exposure was when I was.. 16? 17? Life is different now.

So, an anecdote. Here’s something I don’t talk about much: I used to have a stalker offline. She sent me death threats. She brought them to concerts where I was working. She put nails in my tires when I had a 3 hour drive home at 2 am so I might get run over when I got a flat (her words). (PS, this is pre-cell phone – in fact, i still carry around a prepaid phone card, not because I need it, but just because.)

Would you like to know why? Because I dared to not have sex with a band member of a band I worked with that she was OBSESSED with. More specifically, “You told him no, and you should die for that.”

I’ll let all that sink in a bit.

Now.. that’s pretty much one of my excessive examples. But any kind of passion taken to the extreme negative like that always gives me chills. it also gives me a damned good perspective: there is no reason – no reason – to be nasty with someone you have never, ever met.

People do not realize that their negativity means they will draw more and more of it to them. I didn’t understand this until this year, but I understand it in dividends right now. I have people keeping me sane right now, because they care enough to tell me “you’re being silly. quit being hard on yourself. you didn’t make yourself sick, but you can make yourself sicker unless you take control of yourself.

I hear you guys. I hear you. And I thank you for continually saying it to me. And I ask my friends to hold me up while I’m sick, because it’s really devastating to me. This is just this important to me, and needed to be said, and out of my head.

I promised a Bill Hicks quote, and he says in just a couple paragraphs what I’ve spent a ton of energy on and after this I’m going to go nap. (Emphasis mine)

“The world is like a ride in an amusement park, and when you choose to go on it you think it’s real because that’s how powerful our minds are. The ride goes up and down, around and around, it has thrills and chills, and it’s very brightly colored, and it’s very loud, and it’s fun for a while. Many people have been on the ride a long time, and they begin to wonder, “Hey, is this real, or is this just a ride?” And other people have remembered, and they come back to us and say, “Hey, don’t worry; don’t be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride.” And we … kill those people. “Shut him up! I’ve got a lot invested in this ride, shut him up! Look at my furrows of worry, look at my big bank account, and my family. This has to be real.” It’s just a ride. But we always kill the good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok … But it doesn’t matter, because it’s just a ride. And we can change it any time we want. It’s only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings of money. Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one. Here’s what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money we spend on weapons and defenses each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would pay for many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace.

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Bill Hicks, in my mind, is one of the best comedians to ever grace the Earth’s presence.

I wish I could write about him, but the best thing is just to post video after video after video. He’s got books out, there’s even a movie (a few…)…

He was taken from the earth too soon, he was a genius beyond measure. He was taken by pancreatic cancer at the age of 32.

But I’ll let him speak for himself.

If you like what you hear, go get his cds. Go see the movies/dvds. Listen to what he says… take it to heart.

“I left in love, in laughter, and in truth, and wherever truth, love and laughter abide, I am there in spirit.”

“Listen, the next revolution is gonna be a revolution of ideas.”

“We are the facilitators of our own creative evolution.”

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