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I feel more tired, and more icky, than I have yet. Which is a pretty interesting feat. I thought I was on the turn to getting better, not worse.

In lieu of that, I wanted to write a huge blog post today expressing my feelings on the Penn State deal.

Fortunately, I tweeted a bit last night, and one of my Twitter buds decided to say things better than I could.

So go read him, will ya?

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Antibiotics are working. I do not have all the symptoms that I have been suffering from (most of my cold/cough/congestion is gone, unless I lie down).

However, it means that my mono has come out in full force. I ache all over, I have severe cramps in muscles, my headache is almost like a migraine by the end of the day. I can be sitting here and before I know it a couple hours have passed. I force myself to eat 2 meals a day and even then I am not hungry at all. For me, to take a bath is about the most exhausting thing I can do.

My homework is still sitting here. I have kept up on reading, but I am finding I don’t retain it. This is scary for me. I can’t tell you about at least half of the past week since I’ve been at home. I space out more than normal. I wish I could sleep more.

Anything that is rough material physically hurts me. My comforter is of flannel material, and I have a Linus approved fleece security blanket. I have other blankets around me, and those are mostly fleece/super soft. I’ve found out a lot of my tshirts are too painful to wear, and fuzzy pants are the awesomest thing ever. My cat tries to walk on me and I bust out crying because he weighs too much. (Fortunately, I can pet him and he is very happy.)

Laundry piles up. Recyclable bottles pile up. I feel terrible because I can’t physically do anything without the world spinning, turning white, and causing immense pain.

Thankfully I can watch movies (some even for homework) and a lot of footy.

I’m going to get worse before I get better. I’ve felt worse with every passing day. Never doubt that I’ll end up fine on the other side, however.

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I’m sick. I’m still accepting I’m sick. I’m having to accept I can’t run on all cylinders 15+ hours out of the day. In fact, I’ve had about 1 total hour since I’ve been awake that I’ve felt reasonably normal, and even then I’m maybe at 50% of firing. I feel like someone who is beaten down. I keep kicking myself internally because I can’t do these things. But it’s not my fault I got mono, and it’s not my fault I have zero energy to get things done. It’s a matter now of making sure I stay hydrated, eat enough to survive, and sleep when I feel like it, work on papers when I feel like it, and pray everything works out in a good manner. I’ve resigned myself that I might never get to work at my school again for my work study this year. I have not yet conceded my semester to this illness. I’m a fighter, down to my marrow of my bones.. and right now, I hurt.. to the marrow of my bones. It takes a lot for me to complain about being sick.

I hate feeling negative, so I’m trying not to. Both with not surrounding myself to it, and having it come from internally. So I’m dumping it all in this entry. *breathes*

Something I’ve noticed, especially lately, is the incredible and insane amount of negativity on Twitter.

I realize quite a few of the people I am thinking of are over 10 years younger than I am (or in that nebulous kind of range) and not only will probably not read this entry, but would feel it’s okay to mock it. I also notice that many of them are slyly insulting me, and my friends, behind my back, defollowing me on Twitter, etc. And that’s fine. If they feel the need to make themselves feel better, more power to them.

But they’re wrong in doing so. They are doing themselves damage. No – not because they’re ignoring me (me? that egocentric? nah), but because they’re ignoring my message.

10 years ago I’m not 100% sure I would have accepted what I (and Bill Hicks) are about to say, but I hope the aforementioned people decide to read it.

This much negativity towards: people you don’t like, things you don’t like, people you are jealous of, people you are trying to get attention from and cannot, situations where all you exude are negative feelings, thoughts, and emotions.. have you ever considered, for one minute, that the person on the other side of the internet is EXACTLY THAT? a PERSON? with their own sets of feelings, thoughts, and emotions.

Switch places. How do you feel now? Would you HONESTLY be able to cope with the adversity and all the negativity being tossed at you?

Chances are, I doubt it. But – again – I do not know, as I do not know a lot of these people and I will not project negativity at them. I will hypothesize and say no. I don’t pretend to know your life. I don’t think I ever could. However, that doesn’t exclude me wanting to find out more about you – as a human being, as a person, as (insert name here), so I can understand you – and it – better.

Something I’ve realized, since I was 18, is how crazy people get on the Internet. How insane people can take it offline. I didn’t grow up with the Internet like most of the world.. my first exposure was when I was.. 16? 17? Life is different now.

So, an anecdote. Here’s something I don’t talk about much: I used to have a stalker offline. She sent me death threats. She brought them to concerts where I was working. She put nails in my tires when I had a 3 hour drive home at 2 am so I might get run over when I got a flat (her words). (PS, this is pre-cell phone – in fact, i still carry around a prepaid phone card, not because I need it, but just because.)

Would you like to know why? Because I dared to not have sex with a band member of a band I worked with that she was OBSESSED with. More specifically, “You told him no, and you should die for that.”

I’ll let all that sink in a bit.

Now.. that’s pretty much one of my excessive examples. But any kind of passion taken to the extreme negative like that always gives me chills. it also gives me a damned good perspective: there is no reason – no reason – to be nasty with someone you have never, ever met.

People do not realize that their negativity means they will draw more and more of it to them. I didn’t understand this until this year, but I understand it in dividends right now. I have people keeping me sane right now, because they care enough to tell me “you’re being silly. quit being hard on yourself. you didn’t make yourself sick, but you can make yourself sicker unless you take control of yourself.

I hear you guys. I hear you. And I thank you for continually saying it to me. And I ask my friends to hold me up while I’m sick, because it’s really devastating to me. This is just this important to me, and needed to be said, and out of my head.

I promised a Bill Hicks quote, and he says in just a couple paragraphs what I’ve spent a ton of energy on and after this I’m going to go nap. (Emphasis mine)

“The world is like a ride in an amusement park, and when you choose to go on it you think it’s real because that’s how powerful our minds are. The ride goes up and down, around and around, it has thrills and chills, and it’s very brightly colored, and it’s very loud, and it’s fun for a while. Many people have been on the ride a long time, and they begin to wonder, “Hey, is this real, or is this just a ride?” And other people have remembered, and they come back to us and say, “Hey, don’t worry; don’t be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride.” And we … kill those people. “Shut him up! I’ve got a lot invested in this ride, shut him up! Look at my furrows of worry, look at my big bank account, and my family. This has to be real.” It’s just a ride. But we always kill the good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok … But it doesn’t matter, because it’s just a ride. And we can change it any time we want. It’s only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings of money. Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one. Here’s what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money we spend on weapons and defenses each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would pay for many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace.

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It’s just.. I’ve been a bit busy writing for other places! Like The Footy Blog, talking about Benfica 🙂

Also, I’ve been studying very very hard in school. So hard in fact, I got a 97% on my American Lit exam. I think I got a 70ish in American Lit last semester on my first exam. Funny, how that goes.

But, dear blog, after studying anywhere from 25-50 hours a week, I tend to forget enough words to go here. But I promise, I’ll do better.

After fall break and I lock myself in the library for a week. And next week, I’ll be heading to Austin.

But somehow, in there, we’ll write some more, together.

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I’ve been tossing around my ideas for writing for Speak out with your Geek out.

And honestly, the only thing that comes to mind? poetry. Which is, in all fairness, fairly geeky to me. And since it’s been a while since I posted a freeverse… I’m just riffing on a bunch of things I’ve been told over the years, stereotype or otherwise. And it probably doesn’t make a lot of sense. But hey… sometimes that’s me too.

~

Say What?

You laugh and say I live in a world
of fantasy and I ask you what is more
realistic – a land of elves and fairies
or a land where people say one thing

and do another. Which is more honest?
Me, pretending to be an armless fairy
in a game or you, telling your girlfriend
you love her via phone while you roll your

eyes? Yes, I wear big glasses. Yes, I’m
clumsy. I’m not a barbie doll – think more
50s era girl with a different mentality
about many, many things. Like it’s -really-

awesome for girls to play video games.
(I’m fairly sure the game companies have this
figured out – I don’t see too many guys
running around with pink 360 controllers and

rose coloured DSes. Okay, I fit that stereotype.
Sue me. I love pink.) Yes, dear, I DID play
Counterstrike on PC. Dirty rotten camper?
(de_dust and cs_office were my faves)

Oh, I can’t possibly care what’s under the hood?
Did you know my dream car is a 67 Shelby?
Did you know I HAVE a dream car? A girl can’t watch auto
racing? and like sports? Pardon me, I need to laugh.

After all, no girl could sit through game
after game after game week in and out
and care beyond “omg, they look good in their
uniforms.” (That’s just an added bonus!)

Please note my sarcasm on the topic. Would
you care to comment on the state of the financial
situation of the club? or perhaps on the
fluidity of the defense in the latest match?

Switching topics – yes, I know all the words
to the songs I’m hearing. yes, I may have
sold merch before. Once or dozens of times.
Did you just seriously ask if I fuck them?

Honey, i work with the bands, not on them.
Not everyone is a stereotype. Many of us ignored
“you can’t” and went straight to “watch me do this”
because of people like you ….

Maybe one day, they’ll make the molds
out of us instead of trying to fit us
into them. Who knows? In the meantime,
care to play a game?

~

Please note.. this is just me sitting here, rambling about things I swear I’ve heard in the past 5 or so years off and on. Not PC, it just is what it is. If you’re offended by it, I don’t mean to offend anyone. But I hope that it makes people realize that it doesn’t matter if you’re a girl or a guy, you can be interested and love and, in fact, geek out, over virtually anything.

And it’s okay. In my world, at least, it’s encouraged. I encourage anyone who read this, even if you think the poem was awful, to be yourself. It’s always best to be yourself. It’s never any good to be anyone else.

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Nuno Miguel Soares Pereira Ribeiro, born July 5, 1976. The fans know and love him as the one and only Nuno Gomes.

He played for Portugal in U16, 17, 20, and 21s, as well as for the national team starting in 1996. Professionally, he started in 1994 in Boavista at age 18. Ironically, his first ever trophy came in 1997 as Boavista beat his future team, Sport Lisboa e Benfica. He then transferred in 1997 to Benfica, where he played for 3 years. Because of Euro 2000 (and the way Portugal football is) he made the transfer to ACF Fiorentina. In 2002, due to money issues in Italy, he found himself back home, in Lisbon, at the Estádio da Luz.

He’s been plagued by injuries throughout his career, but he’s still been a key player for Benfica. He was made team captain over Rui Costa in the 2006-2007 season, and every time he took the pitch, he had the armband. He was the Seleccao captain for 2007-2008, eventually succeeded by Cristiano Ronaldo.

When Benfica started signing strikers left and right, he eventually lost a starting position and was put back on reserves for the last 2010-11 season. It’s been evident for many fans that the writing was on the wall for him, but I was hoping just one more year. Unfortunately that has not come to pass.

The man played 52 minutes in 5 games this year and scored FOUR goals.

(information shamelessly borrowed from here)

~

Today, in a statement made to the press via his official website (Portuguese link here | translation here)

“Today, I was informed definitively that Benfica have decided not to renew my contract. It’s a technical option that I respect, and I will always respect, whether or not I agree with it. From this moment onwards I am free to analyse proposals and to choose my future.

“I say goodbye to Benfica, wishing them all the luck in the world and in the certainty that I gave everything for this shirt on and off the pitch. I would have liked to say goodbye to the fans on the field to thank them for everything they have given me but I will find another way of doing so. Thank you for everything. A strong embrace. Nuno Gomes.”

“Benfica also made a point of publicly thanking the striker, who scored 166 goals in 401 games for the Lisbon club, releasing a statement that read:

“Benfica thanks Nuno Gomes for his career, his work and his dedication at the club. Benfica wishes him the best of sporting success, and makes it clear that the doors of this house are always open for when he decides to end his playing career.” ”

~

We won’t even get into how sad I am that Benfica has decided to move this way. They are obviously out of touch with their fans this transfer season – from my standpoint…. There is someone in higher than pitch level that does not want to see Nuno end his playing career at Benfica.

Nuno wants to play another year so he can attempt to qualify for the Selecção in Euro 2012 – WHICH HE SHOULD BE, ARE YOU LISTENING PAULO BENTO????? He is 10th all time for appearances with the National Team, and 4th on the all time goal list (Cristiano is 5th, and Helder Postiga is 10th. No one else is currently active)

The only solace I have is knowing whatever club picks him up, he should get more playtime than he had last year. And whatever team picks him up, I’ll be watching.

FPF Vice President had some nice things to say about him in this article.

He is now being linked with EVERYONE: MLS (Toronto, San Jose, Revolution)…. Italy… Germany… but my bet’s on him staying in Portugal. Braga is sniffing heavily. He’s stated he does not want to play for anyone but Boavista and Benfica in Portugal, but since Benfica is out … who knows? If he wants to make Euro 2012 he needs to be put on the pitch, often, and allowed his chance to shine yet again. And I hope that will happen. And I’ll be watching.

~

The man is perfection in a uniform. He is without a doubt the one footballer I want to meet and thank for being such an inspiration to so many people. If you ask my favorite footballers, next to Eusébio, it’s probably Nuno Gomes.

Some quick stats from Record (and you don’t need to know Portuguese to understand them):

Troféus:
2 Ligas portuguesas (2004/05 e 2009/2010 – Benfica)
2 Taças de Portugal (1996/97 Boavista e 2003/04 Benfica)
1 Taça de Itália (2000/01 Fiorentina)
1 Supertaça de Portugal (2005/06 Benfica)
3 Taças da Liga (2008/09, 2009/10 e 2010/11 Benfica)

Jogos oficiais – 637
Golos em jogos oficiais – 246

~

Video time:

From 2009, at the Luz:

Some highlights of the year:

After coming back from knee surgery that effectively took him out of any Europa League play (and, arguably, had a definite impact on Benfica as well in the tournament), to see him put on the armband and take the field for his (as it’s come to pass) final Benfica match, I was quite literally crying when I watched this.

Some amazing video of the man and the legend, forever in my heart, forever my Captain, your faves could, would and will never: Nuno Gomes.

~

And come on, who else would have a video dedicated to him by Nani himself?

Also, Nuno’s a huge goofball:

There’s a 45 minute video floating around the internet of a television show he did. It’s hysterical, awesome, and the outtakes will make you cry with laughter. I’ll find it.

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I love writing. I write for a lot of different places on a lot of different topics.

I write for Aerys Sports Soccer as their Portuguese Soccer Editor. I just finished up a piece for The Elastico that is right here. I wrote a lot when I was doing promotions, if you look hard enough you can see all my reviews across various websites and the interwebs in general. A few years ago, I did a journal over GDC, but that site doesn’t deserve a link here. (if you really want to see it, you can ask me and I’ll send it along privately.) I’ve had a Livejournal or two or few for years. I was also a participant in the the3six5 this year as well 🙂

On top of all of that, I have so many journals and papers and writing here that isn’t online, because I like actually writing, with a paper and pen.

And the stacks and scads of writing I’ve had to do for school endeavors.

And of course, I have this place.

Sometimes I wish I could write more, about more from my heart, but I tend to keep some of that private, in fear people would -really- think I’m weird. But the right people that should know know how I feel.

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