(this was originally a Facebook post, but it evolved.)
I kept wanting to make some clear concise statement of how my emotions have been over the past two weeks, and how everything both personally and in the world are changing. There is a lot of pain I feel, intermittently, but I really have two choices in life right now: Take all my experience, my joy, my grief, my sorrow, my luck, my lack thereof, the positives I feel, the negatives I feel, the wonderful and amazing friends I have in my life, and just try to finally live the life I’ve wanted to for a while…. or wallow in self pity, doubt, boredom, and not be the person I know I can be. I’m in a place and a time that is wide open for me. I have one – really, just one – goal right now, and that is to stay here in Austin. And I know that I can do it. I know I can’t do it alone – so thank you. Each and every one of you who gives me a note on Facebook, a tweet, a message, a text. It’s very difficult for me to admit that my life is better when I’m not shut up by myself somewhere. I have some amazing friends now that I wouldn’t trade for a thousand years. I don’t want to leave you. I don’t want to leave here.
For the record – no. I don’t hate him. (I feel) we actually get along very well. For those who keep asking why I’m not mad – you know, I can’t answer that easily. There isn’t an easy answer to what I feel inside. Sometimes my stomach churns, sometimes I just excuse myself to the other room and cry for a while, sometimes I don’t even realize I’m crying as I’m sitting here. There’s a lot of emotion wrapped up in all of it, and I am just letting it all wash over and through me. I absorb it, I be with it, and it either moves on or retreats, then revisits, until it’s used up.
What I can tell you is that me getting mad would not change the situation and would make it worse. Trying to make the best of the wonderful friendship we do have is not only the best option, but the true way to “live life out loud”, which is something we’ve both talked about believing. Not all couples that break up have to have it go nastily, with bad energy, words, and badmouthing. I’m very lucky that we met at all, I’m so thankful for the time we’ve had together as a couple, all our experiences, memories, and joy.
And then with all that is happening in the world over the same time frame.. and I posted this quote below, but I’m posting it again, because it’s really how I feel about things.
We all have active choices. People claim to be bored, they have no control over their life – everyone does. You just have to have it within you to take that control. As much or as little as you want – it’s up to you. Don’t blame others for those things – take it upon yourself. It’s actually more freeing than you realize – and very scary.
But if I’ve learned anything, scary is oftentimes worth it.
“Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one. Here’s what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money we spend on weapons and defenses each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would pay for many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace.” – Bill Hicks