How do you budget?

I admit for years I had no budget. I really had no idea. I was a typical college student, overextending multiple lines of credit (therefore trashing it for years) and generally not understanding how to get things to work. When I moved back home a few years ago, I sat down, got my credit report, read through all 20 pages, read all the debt I had accrued, and went “well, this is a fine mess I’ve gotten into.”…. okay, it was more me running around freaking out for a while.

I had 2 part time jobs when I lived at home (I was a waitress at a local place, and then I either worked at a grocery store, or at a greenhouse) for over 12 months. 14 I think? I was let go from both jobs right around Thanksgiving in 2009, then after looking around for jobs I finally just went back to school in Fall 2010. In that time frame, even on 2 part time jobs, I managed to learn to budget very efficiently – enough I could still even take trips while managing to pay off at least one bill a month or pay down. (I paid off something like almost $15k worth of debt including some student loan in the time frame.)

Now, here’s the rub. right now, I have very little savings. It is something that right now I don’t have the luxury on, and it makes me very nervous. Which is why even with a full time job I’m working to get back to working on eBay in extra time. I lived for 3 years doing nothing but reselling, and that was really, really tiring and I hope to never have to do that again But it would be extra money, that can be used.

So now, my budget is (roughly) ~$1600/month after taxes.

When it comes to budgeting, I actually have mine in a couple areas. I have a whiteboard calendar that is dated 31 days, and on this calendar, I have the bill and usual price of bill (ie: my water/sewer/trash bill is variant between $50-70).

When you sit down to make a budget, go throughout the month, and write down what day you have what bill due, and how much it is. That’s always the first step in a budget. Make it on a piece of paper you can add/subtract to. Get a pile of all your bills. Write this all down on paper, as well as wherever else you need to remember. It’s easiest for me in multiple places as I always have a notebook with me.

So my budget reads something like:
1st: Rent – $873+60 (rent + covered parking + water/sewer/trash avg)
13th-18th: Credit card $100 (minimum is $68), Cable $50 (usually $40-45), Verizon $94 ($91-94)
13th-21st: Car Insurance – $125 ($110-125), Life Insurance – $17, Student Loan – $100 (minimum $86)

Things I don’t have on my calendar yet: Electricity – because I haven’t yet gotten a bill since it just got turned into my name. Cat expenditures, Car gas, my food. I use my credit card for car gas every month, which keeps a small active balance on it that I can pay a month. (I have some remaining balance from not being paid for work I did that involved travel that had to be paid via CC. long story)

So.. if you’re good with adding, you can see roughly I have less than $200 a month for the rest. Which is why I rarely go out – I quite honestly don’t have the money, because I PAY MY BILLS FIRST. I did have a roommate, whom I charged not quite half of even rent and utilities, etc, but I have since went back to living by myself because when I rely on people to pay bills and they choose not to – for whatever reason – it’s not a help, it’s a hindrance that almost made me lose the apartment. (can’t wait to get the money I am owed remaining from that, for savings.)

When I went back to living by myself, I decided to ditch my storage unit every month. I resigned my lease recently, and my rent went up from $789 to $848/mo for a 2/2. So I have a 2nd room that at the time was empty. I looked into moving into a 1 bedroom apartment, but the ‘cheapest’ option at the time was $750/mo, and I’d have to keep my storage unit at $60/mo.

So, $848 and move my storage stuff into my 2nd room, and set up the 2nd room to work on eBay, writing, stuff like that – or move into a 1 bedroom at $750/mo, keep the storage unit at $60 = $38 difference. I kept my slightly larger apartment – plus, my storage here is climate controlled Also, if it comes that I do eventually need to have a roommate, then I can go ahead and get a storage unit again and find someone. I have options at this rate – I do not with a one bedroom.

But, my budget can take it. Just barely, but it can take it. And I didn’t resign that lease until I knew for certain.

I hope this makes sense for people, if not, I can share more information.

Here’s some rules:

Rule A: Don’t budget on money that is not steady. I sell stuff on half.com, craiglist, etc – I’ve made an extra $60 this month alone from both those. That is extra money for me – either to buy extras or put in the bank. Overtime money? never budgeted. It’s never steady.

Rule B: Rewarding yourself is important but don’t use it as justification for overspending. My reward for working a ton of overtime? I stocked up on things I *needed* (such as cat food/litter on a great sale, stuff like toilet paper on sale) for things like peace of mind (plus, I don’t have to buy TP until like May or June at this rate), and then bought a new hairbrush and nail polish ($10). Yep, big spender. But it IS important to reward yourself now and again. Keep a wishlist.. or several. Ever seen my amazon wishlists? Full of everything from $1 books to $300 cat litter boxes. But it’s always a way to remember things I like or would like to save for!

Rule C: If you have a variant bill, either average it over the course of 12 months, or just figure high. My Car Insurance usually has ranged between $110 a month and $125. I always figure on $125/mo. If it’s lower? A little left over is a good thing. Never a bad thing. Also, round up your cents. $93.79 = $94.

Rule D: Any bill that just has a “minimum”, like a credit card or student loan? budget over it. Make yourself pay more. My student loan is $86/minimum a month, and I pay usually $100-125/mo. Not only do you get your bills down faster, you pay less in interest. Pay more for the high interest things, but always pay over your minimum. In the course of a year, even if I only pay $14 more on my loan a month, that’s $14×12 = $168. What’s $86×2? $172. So.. basically, I’m paying 14 months of minimum payments in a year by simply increasing every month by $14. When you are paying over the course of 7 years… well, you can see where I’m going. I can cut almost an entire YEAR off the time of the life of the loan…with an extra $14/month. Pretty simple if you break it down that way.

Rule E(xtreme): PAY YOUR BILLS FIRST EVERY MONTH. When I get paid, I immediately come home and pay the bills. Then, after that, I decide whether or not I can go do something fun or just go get milk, butter, and fruit at the store.

Rule F: If you’re in over your head, contact the companies you owe money to. Talk to them. Many companies will take a lower payment every month as long as you are paying. I remember paying one $2100 bill in $50 increments for a number of years – because that’s all I could afford. But they took it! And they were very happy about it!

Rule G: DO. NOT. LIVE. ON. CREDIT. CARDS. I have one. ONE. it’s cute. And it has a ladybug on it – most importantly, a good interest rate. I don’t need multiple ones. For me, that’s temptation – and I can admit it. I do not need the temptation. Living beyond your means will only get you burned in the end.

Here’s some good hints on budgeting:

Hint 1: If you want to budget in putting money into savings, DO IT. If that’s the only way to get yourself to be able to save, set up a separate savings account that the only way you can get money in and out is to go to the bank and drop off a check – and pay yourself every month. (Credit Unions are -great- for this.)

Hint 2: There isn’t a “maybe I can afford this or not”. Numbers are steady. You know how much money you have and how many bills you have. Sometimes there’s a bit of wiggle room – maybe you worked a couple extra hours overtime, but there’s an item that costs more money than that that you want? Save up for it. You can’t afford it. Learn how to tell yourself no.

Hint 3: Living paycheck to paycheck sucks. And I hate it. But it’s possible if you stick to your budget. If you go off budget, get back on board immediately!

Hint 4: Watch sales. I managed to save on my budget this month – I usually spend $40 month on cat litter, and because of sales, I bought the same amount pound wise for $30. Coupon sites are great, but only clip what you NEED. Don’t go extreme couponing just because you can – great way to throw your budget and make you spend money on things you don’t need just because you’re shopping. If you are saving up for a large purchase that you don’t need omg right away when you get the money, wait for a sale. Use sites like mrrebates.com, ebates.com – I don’t buy much online, but I’ve made over $100 back in a few years from these sites. I also use swagbucks.com – I use it strictly to buy Amazon gift cards. even 1 $5 Amazon GC every month = $60 a year I can use for laundry soap (which I can only find on Amazon, not locally) or books or whatever I’d like

Every little bit helps.

Hint 5: Remove temptation. I don’t go to malls.. or to stores.. when I’m broke and can’t afford things. There’s tons of free things to do around here, there’s always a great outdoors to go walk in, sit under a tree and read a book. I have a big weakness for books, and i never go to a bookstore unless I’m going in for a specific reason, because well….. temptation.

Hint 6: Ways to cut budgets: FOOD PRICES. Make lunches at home, take to work. Buy a french press, make better coffee at home instead of an overpriced Starbucks. Seriously – food is usually a huuuuuuuge expenditure. Add up what you spend in one week by eating out. Go budget what you can do at home… you’ll be shocked. Shop used items – I rarely buy any clothing new, or if I do, I will buy off a clearance rack. Goodwills are awesome, Craiglist is always AYOR, eBay can be great – or a temptation.

Hint 7: Make yourself do it. The rewards are enormous. I’ve never been able to have my own place, like I do now, before having a budget.

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I’m sorry I’m quiet, old friend.

I started this story 2 days before my birthday – two days before your memorial service.

And we even made it in the Tribune, which still seems weird to me.

I think, ultimately, Kerouac said it best:

“I hope it is true that a man can die and yet not only live in others but give them life, and not only life, but that great consciousness of life.”

You definitely do that for me, Joe. You definitely do that for me.

I’m finishing it today – your birthday. It hit me really hard at work today. I realized it was your birthday and I picked up my phone to call you.

And I realized that I couldn’t do that anymore.

And for the first time in a very long time, I had to run out of my work space and hide in the bathroom and start crying. And I didn’t want to stop crying. But I did – in what you would say was “record time, for you” – and finished my day. And I don’t expect that it will be an uncommon occurrence over the next few days.

At lunch, two of my new friends came with me, and we all sat, had a beer, discussed D&D, poetry, and random things, and split food. And listened to you all the way to and from the restaurant. And I listened to you play a lot today, Joe. I had to. I probably will in the next few days. I still listen every week – it’s pretty much a habit, by now, an unconscious thought, a thing I do to complete every week I have.

I did on my birthday, too. I was driving to Dallas, and I put the first CD I ever got from you guys – hell, remember? You got me in the show and I promised to buy a CD, and I did. And that’s the CD I was listening to.

I still can’t believe that you’ve been gone this long. I feel bad I didn’t write this in time for your book.

You brought my life so much, and I don’t know that I told you enough.

If there’s one thing, just one thing, that I can do, in memory of you, it’s to make sure I treasure every moment – friends, family, work (oh man, you should see our Nerf fights) – and I do my best with what I can.

But I still remember seeing you, through the window of the coffee shop, reading a poetry book, and I said “I have to go in and talk to him, because he obviously likes poetry and has good taste.”

And I’ve never regretted it. You knew the shy me, the one a lot of people didn’t. And I remember everything… mostly everything. Including the stuff I’ll never tell anyone.

One day we’ll all laugh about this, together, again. I have faith. I have hope.

“And peruse manifold objects, no two alike, and every one good;
The earth good, and the stars good, and their adjuncts all good.”

Say hi to Walt for me, Joe. Ask him all the questions that we always wondered. Even if you can’t tell, at least you’ll know. And we can all fill it in someday.

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Hello world.

(this was originally a Facebook post, but it evolved.)

I kept wanting to make some clear concise statement of how my emotions have been over the past two weeks, and how everything both personally and in the world are changing. There is a lot of pain I feel, intermittently, but I really have two choices in life right now: Take all my experience, my joy, my grief, my sorrow, my luck, my lack thereof, the positives I feel, the negatives I feel, the wonderful and amazing friends I have in my life, and just try to finally live the life I’ve wanted to for a while…. or wallow in self pity, doubt, boredom, and not be the person I know I can be. I’m in a place and a time that is wide open for me. I have one – really, just one – goal right now, and that is to stay here in Austin. And I know that I can do it. I know I can’t do it alone – so thank you. Each and every one of you who gives me a note on Facebook, a tweet, a message, a text. It’s very difficult for me to admit that my life is better when I’m not shut up by myself somewhere. I have some amazing friends now that I wouldn’t trade for a thousand years. I don’t want to leave you. I don’t want to leave here.

For the record – no. I don’t hate him. (I feel) we actually get along very well. For those who keep asking why I’m not mad – you know, I can’t answer that easily. There isn’t an easy answer to what I feel inside. Sometimes my stomach churns, sometimes I just excuse myself to the other room and cry for a while, sometimes I don’t even realize I’m crying as I’m sitting here. There’s a lot of emotion wrapped up in all of it, and I am just letting it all wash over and through me. I absorb it, I be with it, and it either moves on or retreats, then revisits, until it’s used up.

What I can tell you is that me getting mad would not change the situation and would make it worse. Trying to make the best of the wonderful friendship we do have is not only the best option, but the true way to “live life out loud”, which is something we’ve both talked about believing. Not all couples that break up have to have it go nastily, with bad energy, words, and badmouthing. I’m very lucky that we met at all, I’m so thankful for the time we’ve had together as a couple, all our experiences, memories, and joy.

And then with all that is happening in the world over the same time frame.. and I posted this quote below, but I’m posting it again, because it’s really how I feel about things.

We all have active choices. People claim to be bored, they have no control over their life – everyone does. You just have to have it within you to take that control. As much or as little as you want – it’s up to you. Don’t blame others for those things – take it upon yourself. It’s actually more freeing than you realize – and very scary.

But if I’ve learned anything, scary is oftentimes worth it.

“Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one. Here’s what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money we spend on weapons and defenses each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would pay for many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace.” – Bill Hicks

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NaBloPoMo Day 28: 9 Days of Finals. Be Afraid.

To be perfectly truthful, this schedule is condemning even if I am at 100%. But I have no choice. I had to drop my Honors class, but it is for the best, all told.

Tuesday 29: Dr. Appt.
Watch two movies, write two reports – watched one movie. film history
Brit Lit Paper #1 – 45 minutes

Wednesday 30: Classes
Brit Lit Essay #1 work on
KNEA meeting 530pm
write two reports – film history

Thursday 1:
Finish Brit Lit Paper #1 by 6 pm
write 2 reports – film history 6 pm – midnightish

Friday 2:
Classes
study for Film History quiz during lunch like normal
Brit Lit #1 DUE (turned in)
4 film reviews, 3
work on: Brit Lit #2 paper

Saturday 3:
Brit Lit Final Exam half done, question 3 done, question 4 started

Sunday 4:
Music Appreciation Quizzes by 11 am done at 9 am
Brit Lit Final Exam question 2 by 1 pm done at 1pm
Brit Lit #2 paper FINISH by 530 pm finished 615pm
watch last 2 movies

Monday 5:
get up early, study for Film Exam
1030am Brit Lit Final class 1030-1230
Film History exam 1 – 3 pm, plus quiz.
2 film review sheets in film history DUE

Tuesday 6:
Brit Lit #2 paper DUE
take Music Appreciation final exams (3) – finish by noon finished 1125
American Lit paper #2 – finish by 6 pm
Study for American Lit Exam – use post it flags to mark sections of book
Study for Film History Quiz (Chapter 5!)

Wednesday 7:
American Lit Paper #2 DUE
American Lit Final 8am – 10am
take History Quiz after American Lit Final (Chapter 5)

Thursday 8:
Music Appreciation Finals due 8 am
sell back all books, collapse accordingly in my tiny pile of money.

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NaBloPoMo Day 10: Someone Else Today

I feel more tired, and more icky, than I have yet. Which is a pretty interesting feat. I thought I was on the turn to getting better, not worse.

In lieu of that, I wanted to write a huge blog post today expressing my feelings on the Penn State deal.

Fortunately, I tweeted a bit last night, and one of my Twitter buds decided to say things better than I could.

So go read him, will ya?

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NaBloPoMo Day 9: Sinking…

Antibiotics are working. I do not have all the symptoms that I have been suffering from (most of my cold/cough/congestion is gone, unless I lie down).

However, it means that my mono has come out in full force. I ache all over, I have severe cramps in muscles, my headache is almost like a migraine by the end of the day. I can be sitting here and before I know it a couple hours have passed. I force myself to eat 2 meals a day and even then I am not hungry at all. For me, to take a bath is about the most exhausting thing I can do.

My homework is still sitting here. I have kept up on reading, but I am finding I don’t retain it. This is scary for me. I can’t tell you about at least half of the past week since I’ve been at home. I space out more than normal. I wish I could sleep more.

Anything that is rough material physically hurts me. My comforter is of flannel material, and I have a Linus approved fleece security blanket. I have other blankets around me, and those are mostly fleece/super soft. I’ve found out a lot of my tshirts are too painful to wear, and fuzzy pants are the awesomest thing ever. My cat tries to walk on me and I bust out crying because he weighs too much. (Fortunately, I can pet him and he is very happy.)

Laundry piles up. Recyclable bottles pile up. I feel terrible because I can’t physically do anything without the world spinning, turning white, and causing immense pain.

Thankfully I can watch movies (some even for homework) and a lot of footy.

I’m going to get worse before I get better. I’ve felt worse with every passing day. Never doubt that I’ll end up fine on the other side, however.

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NaBloPoMo Day 8 : Self-Assignment Calendar

I feel terrible today. Just the facts. Antibiotics are kicking up a fever, and today’s the first day I can actually tell I’ve lost weight. By that I mean I’ve lost 8 lbs in the past 6 days. I do not like being sick.

So instead I’ll post my homework schedule. It’s more for my ease… and to talk anyone out of ever taking multiple lit courses in the same semester. Or to reveal how much of a masochist I am.

AL: Test due 14th November. Paper due 16th November (topic: Emerson or Whitman?). Keep up with reading.

BL: Paper due. Exam due 14th November. Essay 2 due 2 December 3pm (Chaucer, Franklin’s Tale). Final 5 December 1030am. Honors Project due 5 December 3 pm (Gawain meets Alisoun). Crapton of reading.

Film History of WWII: Finish Sahara writeup. Do A Walk In The Sun writeup. Do The Best Years of Our Lives writeup. Film Project (Swing Kids, Grave of the Fireflies, Hitler’s Children) due 21 November. 5 film reviews due before final. Exam 5 Dec 1pm.

Music App: Chapter work every week. Final due 8 December (3 part, 30 minutes per section, 11-12 questions a chapter, 3-4 chapters a section)

~

so yes.. there’s a reason football blogging has taken a back seat. Sorry footy friends.

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NaBloPoMo Day 6: sleep

who knew that even with mono i still have my stupid insomnia coming into play?

I get up usually 2-3x a day for bathroom breaks + food + getting water. I won’t get up to just do one thing. Last night when i was coming downstairs from eating, I almost passed out.

the nights get longer and worse for me. I hope tomorrow I can have more help, somehow. I feel like a freak in my own body.

I’ve been napping for 10-20 minute stretches. My cat Nicky keeps cuddling up to me – he knows I feel bad. I have a king size bed and half of it is covered in schoolbooks, pill bottles, I keep snacks within range – I have had no appetite since like Wednesday, but I find that sometimes I unconsciously munch on a cookie if it’s near, for example.

I sleep for a few hours a night, wake up in bone crushing pain, then manage to get back to sleep after crying into whatever stuffed animals I can reach.

all the clothes i wear are non scratchy and all the blankets are super soft. I’m hypersensitive to everything.

this is just me writing to get it out. Not complaining (okay, a little), but it’s more.. having it written, for posterity’s sake. I will hopefully have these days run in a row later on, in a haze. i can’t believe I’ve been on bedrest for 5 days now.

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NaBloPoMo Day 5: How brutal negativity is – with added Bill Hicks quote.

I’m sick. I’m still accepting I’m sick. I’m having to accept I can’t run on all cylinders 15+ hours out of the day. In fact, I’ve had about 1 total hour since I’ve been awake that I’ve felt reasonably normal, and even then I’m maybe at 50% of firing. I feel like someone who is beaten down. I keep kicking myself internally because I can’t do these things. But it’s not my fault I got mono, and it’s not my fault I have zero energy to get things done. It’s a matter now of making sure I stay hydrated, eat enough to survive, and sleep when I feel like it, work on papers when I feel like it, and pray everything works out in a good manner. I’ve resigned myself that I might never get to work at my school again for my work study this year. I have not yet conceded my semester to this illness. I’m a fighter, down to my marrow of my bones.. and right now, I hurt.. to the marrow of my bones. It takes a lot for me to complain about being sick.

I hate feeling negative, so I’m trying not to. Both with not surrounding myself to it, and having it come from internally. So I’m dumping it all in this entry. *breathes*

Something I’ve noticed, especially lately, is the incredible and insane amount of negativity on Twitter.

I realize quite a few of the people I am thinking of are over 10 years younger than I am (or in that nebulous kind of range) and not only will probably not read this entry, but would feel it’s okay to mock it. I also notice that many of them are slyly insulting me, and my friends, behind my back, defollowing me on Twitter, etc. And that’s fine. If they feel the need to make themselves feel better, more power to them.

But they’re wrong in doing so. They are doing themselves damage. No – not because they’re ignoring me (me? that egocentric? nah), but because they’re ignoring my message.

10 years ago I’m not 100% sure I would have accepted what I (and Bill Hicks) are about to say, but I hope the aforementioned people decide to read it.

This much negativity towards: people you don’t like, things you don’t like, people you are jealous of, people you are trying to get attention from and cannot, situations where all you exude are negative feelings, thoughts, and emotions.. have you ever considered, for one minute, that the person on the other side of the internet is EXACTLY THAT? a PERSON? with their own sets of feelings, thoughts, and emotions.

Switch places. How do you feel now? Would you HONESTLY be able to cope with the adversity and all the negativity being tossed at you?

Chances are, I doubt it. But – again – I do not know, as I do not know a lot of these people and I will not project negativity at them. I will hypothesize and say no. I don’t pretend to know your life. I don’t think I ever could. However, that doesn’t exclude me wanting to find out more about you – as a human being, as a person, as (insert name here), so I can understand you – and it – better.

Something I’ve realized, since I was 18, is how crazy people get on the Internet. How insane people can take it offline. I didn’t grow up with the Internet like most of the world.. my first exposure was when I was.. 16? 17? Life is different now.

So, an anecdote. Here’s something I don’t talk about much: I used to have a stalker offline. She sent me death threats. She brought them to concerts where I was working. She put nails in my tires when I had a 3 hour drive home at 2 am so I might get run over when I got a flat (her words). (PS, this is pre-cell phone – in fact, i still carry around a prepaid phone card, not because I need it, but just because.)

Would you like to know why? Because I dared to not have sex with a band member of a band I worked with that she was OBSESSED with. More specifically, “You told him no, and you should die for that.”

I’ll let all that sink in a bit.

Now.. that’s pretty much one of my excessive examples. But any kind of passion taken to the extreme negative like that always gives me chills. it also gives me a damned good perspective: there is no reason – no reason – to be nasty with someone you have never, ever met.

People do not realize that their negativity means they will draw more and more of it to them. I didn’t understand this until this year, but I understand it in dividends right now. I have people keeping me sane right now, because they care enough to tell me “you’re being silly. quit being hard on yourself. you didn’t make yourself sick, but you can make yourself sicker unless you take control of yourself.“

I hear you guys. I hear you. And I thank you for continually saying it to me. And I ask my friends to hold me up while I’m sick, because it’s really devastating to me. This is just this important to me, and needed to be said, and out of my head.

I promised a Bill Hicks quote, and he says in just a couple paragraphs what I’ve spent a ton of energy on and after this I’m going to go nap. (Emphasis mine)

“The world is like a ride in an amusement park, and when you choose to go on it you think it’s real because that’s how powerful our minds are. The ride goes up and down, around and around, it has thrills and chills, and it’s very brightly colored, and it’s very loud, and it’s fun for a while. Many people have been on the ride a long time, and they begin to wonder, “Hey, is this real, or is this just a ride?” And other people have remembered, and they come back to us and say, “Hey, don’t worry; don’t be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride.” And we … kill those people. “Shut him up! I’ve got a lot invested in this ride, shut him up! Look at my furrows of worry, look at my big bank account, and my family. This has to be real.” It’s just a ride. But we always kill the good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok … But it doesn’t matter, because it’s just a ride. And we can change it any time we want. It’s only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings of money. Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one. Here’s what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money we spend on weapons and defenses each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would pay for many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace.“

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NaBloPoMo Day 3: Acceptance

This is a weird day in my life. I was put on bedrest yesterday. As most people know, I’m NOT the kind of person to just sit around and do nothing. Fortunately I have tons of schoolwork I can / need to work on (hello, Chaucer paper due tomorrow), and of course I have my awesome laptop Miranda (yes, my electronics are all named.) NaBloPoMo is also going on, so that’s a good distraction.

However, the real reason this is weird? I’m not usually one to get sick. There’s a 50/50 shot right now that I have mono. Actually, that percentage was of 9 am yesterday and it’s definitely swinging in favor. I am not researching it, as people would accuse me of being a hypochondriac; I have a very close friend who suffered from it for some of his life, so he keeps talking to me whenever I have questions.

and the symptoms just keep stacking up. The magic 8 ball of Mono keeps going “signs point to yes”.

Fortunately I have some amazing friends that will help me through it… but I’m not a person who likes to ask for help. I’d rather be the helper than the helpee. It’s very difficult for my brain right now to realize that I SHOULD ask for help for things… like going to get more bottled water, which I’m keeping by my bed, so I don’t have to get up.

But… I am just slowly falling into this illness feeling, no matter how I fight it, because it saps my energy terribly. I think my biggest use of energy now is NOT falling behind in school. I don’t care if i can’t go to work, can’t leave my room.. but me falling behind in school after I’ve worked so hard and so long on things, I just can’t deal with.

Even if it’s going to completely sap my energy and all I can do is look at my homework and move my fingers and type it out, I’m not falling behind.

I have way too much willpower to let that not happen.

I also feel like I’m whining, like I’m being a burden, and that I should just suck it up and deal with it.

Maybe I am too hard on myself.

One of those questions I just can’t answer.

I just trust that my friends understand I really don’t mean to sound like a spoiled rotten sad brat.

I just.. honestly, truthfully, feel this crappy.

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