I’m sorry I’m quiet, old friend.

I started this story 2 days before my birthday – two days before your memorial service.

And we even made it in the Tribune, which still seems weird to me.

I think, ultimately, Kerouac said it best:

“I hope it is true that a man can die and yet not only live in others but give them life, and not only life, but that great consciousness of life.”

You definitely do that for me, Joe. You definitely do that for me.

I’m finishing it today – your birthday. It hit me really hard at work today. I realized it was your birthday and I picked up my phone to call you.

And I realized that I couldn’t do that anymore.

And for the first time in a very long time, I had to run out of my work space and hide in the bathroom and start crying. And I didn’t want to stop crying. But I did – in what you would say was “record time, for you” – and finished my day. And I don’t expect that it will be an uncommon occurrence over the next few days.

At lunch, two of my new friends came with me, and we all sat, had a beer, discussed D&D, poetry, and random things, and split food. And listened to you all the way to and from the restaurant. And I listened to you play a lot today, Joe. I had to. I probably will in the next few days. I still listen every week – it’s pretty much a habit, by now, an unconscious thought, a thing I do to complete every week I have.

I did on my birthday, too. I was driving to Dallas, and I put the first CD I ever got from you guys – hell, remember? You got me in the show and I promised to buy a CD, and I did. And that’s the CD I was listening to.

I still can’t believe that you’ve been gone this long. I feel bad I didn’t write this in time for your book.

You brought my life so much, and I don’t know that I told you enough.

If there’s one thing, just one thing, that I can do, in memory of you, it’s to make sure I treasure every moment – friends, family, work (oh man, you should see our Nerf fights) – and I do my best with what I can.

But I still remember seeing you, through the window of the coffee shop, reading a poetry book, and I said “I have to go in and talk to him, because he obviously likes poetry and has good taste.”

And I’ve never regretted it. You knew the shy me, the one a lot of people didn’t. And I remember everything… mostly everything. Including the stuff I’ll never tell anyone.

One day we’ll all laugh about this, together, again. I have faith. I have hope.

“And peruse manifold objects, no two alike, and every one good;
The earth good, and the stars good, and their adjuncts all good.”

Say hi to Walt for me, Joe. Ask him all the questions that we always wondered. Even if you can’t tell, at least you’ll know. And we can all fill it in someday.

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NaBloPoMo Day 17: Geek Cred +1

In my life there have been many movies I’ve missed, but the biggest glaring “opening” in my list has been Star Wars.

I remember trying to watch it when I was younger, but it simply just didn’t make sense. And then, in my stubborn ways, I decided I wouldn’t watch it until I had someone to explain it to me.

My boyfriend decided that he would be the one to take on this task. So we watched the… last… three? I don’t even understand the naming scheme, so I’ll just say the older 3. The original 3.

And.. I enjoyed them. I did! It’s an interesting concept. I think the plot has a ton of holes, and I kept having to ask questions, but I enjoyed it.

Kind of.

I want to pop C3PO in the nads. And tell him to shut the fuck up.

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NaBloPoMo Day 12: Geek Confession

Well, I have called myself a geek for years. Because I’m pretty sure I am one, in at least the standard, if not the deviant, form of the word.

However, there’s been one giant page in my geek handbook that has never been stamped.

“STAR WARS”

That’s right. Never seen em. Any of em. Saw most of the original once and was so confused I said “Fuck it, until someone explains it to me, I’m not going to bother trying to figure it out.”

Many people have said “oh, we’ll watch it, I’ll explain it.”

Well, I FINALLY WATCHED IT. My (amazing) boyfriend is here taking care of me right now and decided that it is a perfect time for us to start watching.

And the other movies are stacked up right here too.

I guess I can knock that page out in my book.

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NaBloPoMo Day 9: Sinking…

Antibiotics are working. I do not have all the symptoms that I have been suffering from (most of my cold/cough/congestion is gone, unless I lie down).

However, it means that my mono has come out in full force. I ache all over, I have severe cramps in muscles, my headache is almost like a migraine by the end of the day. I can be sitting here and before I know it a couple hours have passed. I force myself to eat 2 meals a day and even then I am not hungry at all. For me, to take a bath is about the most exhausting thing I can do.

My homework is still sitting here. I have kept up on reading, but I am finding I don’t retain it. This is scary for me. I can’t tell you about at least half of the past week since I’ve been at home. I space out more than normal. I wish I could sleep more.

Anything that is rough material physically hurts me. My comforter is of flannel material, and I have a Linus approved fleece security blanket. I have other blankets around me, and those are mostly fleece/super soft. I’ve found out a lot of my tshirts are too painful to wear, and fuzzy pants are the awesomest thing ever. My cat tries to walk on me and I bust out crying because he weighs too much. (Fortunately, I can pet him and he is very happy.)

Laundry piles up. Recyclable bottles pile up. I feel terrible because I can’t physically do anything without the world spinning, turning white, and causing immense pain.

Thankfully I can watch movies (some even for homework) and a lot of footy.

I’m going to get worse before I get better. I’ve felt worse with every passing day. Never doubt that I’ll end up fine on the other side, however.

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NaBloPoMo Day 5: How brutal negativity is – with added Bill Hicks quote.

I’m sick. I’m still accepting I’m sick. I’m having to accept I can’t run on all cylinders 15+ hours out of the day. In fact, I’ve had about 1 total hour since I’ve been awake that I’ve felt reasonably normal, and even then I’m maybe at 50% of firing. I feel like someone who is beaten down. I keep kicking myself internally because I can’t do these things. But it’s not my fault I got mono, and it’s not my fault I have zero energy to get things done. It’s a matter now of making sure I stay hydrated, eat enough to survive, and sleep when I feel like it, work on papers when I feel like it, and pray everything works out in a good manner. I’ve resigned myself that I might never get to work at my school again for my work study this year. I have not yet conceded my semester to this illness. I’m a fighter, down to my marrow of my bones.. and right now, I hurt.. to the marrow of my bones. It takes a lot for me to complain about being sick.

I hate feeling negative, so I’m trying not to. Both with not surrounding myself to it, and having it come from internally. So I’m dumping it all in this entry. *breathes*

Something I’ve noticed, especially lately, is the incredible and insane amount of negativity on Twitter.

I realize quite a few of the people I am thinking of are over 10 years younger than I am (or in that nebulous kind of range) and not only will probably not read this entry, but would feel it’s okay to mock it. I also notice that many of them are slyly insulting me, and my friends, behind my back, defollowing me on Twitter, etc. And that’s fine. If they feel the need to make themselves feel better, more power to them.

But they’re wrong in doing so. They are doing themselves damage. No – not because they’re ignoring me (me? that egocentric? nah), but because they’re ignoring my message.

10 years ago I’m not 100% sure I would have accepted what I (and Bill Hicks) are about to say, but I hope the aforementioned people decide to read it.

This much negativity towards: people you don’t like, things you don’t like, people you are jealous of, people you are trying to get attention from and cannot, situations where all you exude are negative feelings, thoughts, and emotions.. have you ever considered, for one minute, that the person on the other side of the internet is EXACTLY THAT? a PERSON? with their own sets of feelings, thoughts, and emotions.

Switch places. How do you feel now? Would you HONESTLY be able to cope with the adversity and all the negativity being tossed at you?

Chances are, I doubt it. But – again – I do not know, as I do not know a lot of these people and I will not project negativity at them. I will hypothesize and say no. I don’t pretend to know your life. I don’t think I ever could. However, that doesn’t exclude me wanting to find out more about you – as a human being, as a person, as (insert name here), so I can understand you – and it – better.

Something I’ve realized, since I was 18, is how crazy people get on the Internet. How insane people can take it offline. I didn’t grow up with the Internet like most of the world.. my first exposure was when I was.. 16? 17? Life is different now.

So, an anecdote. Here’s something I don’t talk about much: I used to have a stalker offline. She sent me death threats. She brought them to concerts where I was working. She put nails in my tires when I had a 3 hour drive home at 2 am so I might get run over when I got a flat (her words). (PS, this is pre-cell phone – in fact, i still carry around a prepaid phone card, not because I need it, but just because.)

Would you like to know why? Because I dared to not have sex with a band member of a band I worked with that she was OBSESSED with. More specifically, “You told him no, and you should die for that.”

I’ll let all that sink in a bit.

Now.. that’s pretty much one of my excessive examples. But any kind of passion taken to the extreme negative like that always gives me chills. it also gives me a damned good perspective: there is no reason – no reason – to be nasty with someone you have never, ever met.

People do not realize that their negativity means they will draw more and more of it to them. I didn’t understand this until this year, but I understand it in dividends right now. I have people keeping me sane right now, because they care enough to tell me “you’re being silly. quit being hard on yourself. you didn’t make yourself sick, but you can make yourself sicker unless you take control of yourself.“

I hear you guys. I hear you. And I thank you for continually saying it to me. And I ask my friends to hold me up while I’m sick, because it’s really devastating to me. This is just this important to me, and needed to be said, and out of my head.

I promised a Bill Hicks quote, and he says in just a couple paragraphs what I’ve spent a ton of energy on and after this I’m going to go nap. (Emphasis mine)

“The world is like a ride in an amusement park, and when you choose to go on it you think it’s real because that’s how powerful our minds are. The ride goes up and down, around and around, it has thrills and chills, and it’s very brightly colored, and it’s very loud, and it’s fun for a while. Many people have been on the ride a long time, and they begin to wonder, “Hey, is this real, or is this just a ride?” And other people have remembered, and they come back to us and say, “Hey, don’t worry; don’t be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride.” And we … kill those people. “Shut him up! I’ve got a lot invested in this ride, shut him up! Look at my furrows of worry, look at my big bank account, and my family. This has to be real.” It’s just a ride. But we always kill the good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok … But it doesn’t matter, because it’s just a ride. And we can change it any time we want. It’s only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings of money. Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one. Here’s what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money we spend on weapons and defenses each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would pay for many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace.“

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Halloween approaches: Costume decisions!

I’m suffering through some of the worst writer’s block I’ve had in quite some time, so I’m struggling even now with every word I put on this post. But I need to start pushing myself, I have too much to do.

For Halloween, my Hutchinson Community College KNEA-SP Future Teachers group is holding a trunk or treat. It benefits the Reno County Food Bank and is a donation drive. We’re going to have a car decorating contest, story telling tent, etc. (Press Release will be at the bottom of the post). It’ll be nifty and awesome, if you’re in Central Kansas on Halloween night, grab a can of kid friendly food and head on over. I’ll be manning the admissions table.

Did I mention the costume contest? Yeah. That… Now.. uh.

How do I put this in plain language…

Halloween is my Christmas holiday. I LOVE THIS HOLIDAY SO MUCH IT IS UNBELIEVABLE.

So there’s a nifty costume contest, and by gods, I wanna win.

I’ve narrowed it to two costumes, and I’m having an official vote. Between here and my Facebook page, I’ll be taking votes as to what character in costume I should be. Reminder: I’ll be dressing up even for classes as this character.

My two options are:

Abby Sciuto from NCIS:

I’ve been her a couple times now for Halloween. This was taken at the Wicked touring cast aftershow in Wichita KS Halloween night, 2009.

OR

Luna Lovegood from Harry Potter:

I have since tweaked the outfit – I have a much better fitting uniform underneath the robe, I have fingerless gloves that match the scarf (but it was too damned hot to wear them that day), etc. I have yet to wear this for Halloween and have only worn it once.

So, I ask to all of my digital and otherwise friends: Who do I portray for my favorite holiday of the year?

You can post a comment here or on Facebook. I’ll add them up and announce the winner in a week.

~

Official press release is below for more information on the event:

Spooky stories, ghoulish goodies, and creepy contests are all in store at the Hutchinson Community College Future Teachers Group Trunk or Treat, located in the small parking lot around Stringer Fine Arts Center on 11th street in Hutchinson. The event is open to the public from 6:30-8:30pm on Halloween night. Admission is a can of kid-friendly food that will be donated to the Reno County Food Bank or $1 per costumed trick or treat participant.

This event includes HCC students holding both a “Trick Your Trunk” car decorating contest as well as the “Mysterious Masquerade” costume contest. Over $50 in prizes will be awarded to First and Second place in both of these contests. A haunted reading tent will be available for spooky storytelling throughout the event. Early Bird prizes will also be available to the first 75 costumed participants. There will be plenty of candy to share. Children under 10 MUST be supervised by an adult chaperone.

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#speakgeek – do you? (original poetry)

I’ve been tossing around my ideas for writing for Speak out with your Geek out.

And honestly, the only thing that comes to mind? poetry. Which is, in all fairness, fairly geeky to me. And since it’s been a while since I posted a freeverse… I’m just riffing on a bunch of things I’ve been told over the years, stereotype or otherwise. And it probably doesn’t make a lot of sense. But hey… sometimes that’s me too.

~

Say What?

You laugh and say I live in a world
of fantasy and I ask you what is more
realistic – a land of elves and fairies
or a land where people say one thing

and do another. Which is more honest?
Me, pretending to be an armless fairy
in a game or you, telling your girlfriend
you love her via phone while you roll your

eyes? Yes, I wear big glasses. Yes, I’m
clumsy. I’m not a barbie doll – think more
50s era girl with a different mentality
about many, many things. Like it’s -really-

awesome for girls to play video games.
(I’m fairly sure the game companies have this
figured out – I don’t see too many guys
running around with pink 360 controllers and

rose coloured DSes. Okay, I fit that stereotype.
Sue me. I love pink.) Yes, dear, I DID play
Counterstrike on PC. Dirty rotten camper?
(de_dust and cs_office were my faves)

Oh, I can’t possibly care what’s under the hood?
Did you know my dream car is a 67 Shelby?
Did you know I HAVE a dream car? A girl can’t watch auto
racing? and like sports? Pardon me, I need to laugh.

After all, no girl could sit through game
after game after game week in and out
and care beyond “omg, they look good in their
uniforms.” (That’s just an added bonus!)

Please note my sarcasm on the topic. Would
you care to comment on the state of the financial
situation of the club? or perhaps on the
fluidity of the defense in the latest match?

Switching topics – yes, I know all the words
to the songs I’m hearing. yes, I may have
sold merch before. Once or dozens of times.
Did you just seriously ask if I fuck them?

Honey, i work with the bands, not on them.
Not everyone is a stereotype. Many of us ignored
“you can’t” and went straight to “watch me do this”
because of people like you ….

Maybe one day, they’ll make the molds
out of us instead of trying to fit us
into them. Who knows? In the meantime,
care to play a game?

~

Please note.. this is just me sitting here, rambling about things I swear I’ve heard in the past 5 or so years off and on. Not PC, it just is what it is. If you’re offended by it, I don’t mean to offend anyone. But I hope that it makes people realize that it doesn’t matter if you’re a girl or a guy, you can be interested and love and, in fact, geek out, over virtually anything.

And it’s okay. In my world, at least, it’s encouraged. I encourage anyone who read this, even if you think the poem was awful, to be yourself. It’s always best to be yourself. It’s never any good to be anyone else.

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So much unknown.

This school year has started off well. My job is going okay. I don’t talk about it much due to privacy – I work 2 days a week at an elementary school with first and second graders in a public school district here. My voice is still adjusting to being able to.. i mean, (unfortunately) needing to… roar at kids now and then.

I could not do it 5 days a week, week in and week out. Two days a week is plenty for me. Teachers, yet again, I salute you.

I want to bottle their energy and sell it to college students.

Classes are going well, I think. I adore my history class and I’m actually enjoying British Literature. American Lit… well, I’ve deduced that this teacher and I just don’t gel well. I’m trying. Music Appreciation, the “easy A” that i needed to boost my GPA, is actually the worst class of them all. I have a solid C and I’m studying almost harder for it than any other class!

It is still early in the semester, though. At this time last month, I was still looking for a place to live and didn’t even have all my college books yet. So in a month I’ve completely moved (in the process had to separate my cats, which is really tearing at my heart more than I am letting on), gone through over 50% of my belongings and sorted trash, donate, sell and keep piles so far, started a new job and new classes.

is it any wonder I’m tired? Nah.

It will get better though. And I have a picture I look at at least once a day that reminds me why I am doing this now… for a better life. This few months will be long, but I will one day be able to look back at it and not only be glad I did it, I know how good it is for me, for my future, and for the future of others in my life.

And while I hate being cryptic, I will just state that there are a few things going on in my life, all positive, and all awesome, just not that I’m talking about here. (yet).

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moving, things one finds within (original poetry)

I’m in the process of moving to a city that’s roughly 50 miles away for next semester. I’ll have a much smaller area, and therefore can’t bring/pack everything I’ve grown accustomed to having.

So I am forcing myself to finally start going through the mountains of containers and boxes I have in a storage area here. I have been finding a lot of random things, but the most exciting is a book I was given in 2002. It’s dark green, with the lyrics of a song that I absolutely adore, from someone in my life that still is a major influence (whether he knows it or not).

The cover has autographs of a lot of musicians that I have worked with and whose music has influenced me over the years. I have all 4 members of Vertical Horizon, Angie Aparo, Barry from Carbon Leaf, and Andy from VaCo (with an original saying <3). I have a space on the top of the cover of the book where eventually, hopefully, I will get Dave Matthews or Glen Hansard to sign it. Keep dreaming, I know….

But a long time ago I started writing poetry (as in, 1990 – I was published in 1992 the first time I believe) and I've kept track of a lot of the random poetry I used to scribble here and there in this book.

Then I misplaced it for YEARS. years. So I have poetry scattered half a mile across creation. Every time I open a box with papers I am COMPELLED to check every one of them to make sure I'm not throwing away half a novella I started when I was bored in class. I do find bits and pieces here and there.. originally I was going to keep them all in this book, then I lost the book. Now I found it again. I don’t have much of an excuse anymore, do I?

This is what takes me so long to go through storage and pack. I have a lot of memories, and a lot more written words than I'll ever admit. (at minimum 750 poems just from 2000-2005 alone, not to mention my completed play and the 2 novels I'm working on…)

So I'm constantly on a hunt to try to gather the bits and pieces together and solidify them into the myriads of journals I have lying about.

I should do this more often, but I don’t; I’ll post an original poem that, while I know and remember the particular situation, a lot of it still seems to ring true even almost 10 years later. It’s quite interesting to me to see how something I wrote then applies oh so well to now too.

“Departure”

Last few moments
before I lift away
back to everything familiar

yet not as familiar as
your scent as you
hold me close to your beating heart

I know what I have to do
and that’s let go and walk
on, turning the page

and starting another chapter
in the sketchbook of my life.
So I look in your eyes

one last time, squeeze your hand
and run away silently
turning around for one

last fleeting glimpse I find
you’ve run silently on
swiveling around

not opening my mouth lest
I start bawling.
No goodbyes said

though the chapter may be
done, there is no
“the end”.

~29.4.02

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Independence Day… a rant.

So even though the Declaration of Independence wasn’t signed until July 6, we celebrate here in the USA on July 4.

I believe that the current modes of celebration are both good and bad.

The great parts – family getting together, partaking in yummy food, great fellowship, amazing fun. I have been up at my friend Quinn’s family near KC for the past day. We got to meet up, run around, had a great time last night, and saw fireworks overlooking the lake. It has been a very good time and completely worth it. I have met some very kind and generous people.

The bad parts – people using it as an excuse to go get drunk, drive, otherwise operate machinery that they shouldn’t, and accidents occur. Not to mention all the fires from unnecessary fireworks, accidents from those, need I go on? This is not the reason for this day. You all know where I’m heading with this.

My family has been in America (on my mom’s side) since 1732 (no folks, seriously. Not Portuguese..) and while I never joined the military, I have a LOT of friends and family that have. I’m rather outspoken about it, and I have a rather.. abrupt opinion of anyone who decides to start ragging on anyone who is a veteran or active duty. While you (and I, sometimes) may not agree with why or what our country does, that does not mean we do not support our fellow humans, our brothers and sisters, our aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, parents, classmates, guy down the street who always seemed a little off after Vietnam, the kid that you remember from 8th grade English who you saw walking one day down the street and… no, that’s true, he’s missing a few fingers.

I cannot understand why humans feel the need to do things like war. I can understand fighting for something bigger than you, for something that is worth it. For this, I thank every military member out there, regardless of branch, regardless of years. You’re doing something I cannot.

So, on this Independence Day, I offer 3 videos. Watch them. Look at them. Listen to them. Think. Think of your actions.. not just today, but every day. Think of how you treat your fellow man. Think of how, instead of hurtful words, how kind actions could change our world. Then, maybe, there would be no need for all the things we cannot make sense of.

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